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The 6 Best UMN Intersections to Get Hit by a Car and Escape Student Debt

Being a college student is mostly fun with at least a little crushing existential dread thrown in. A lot of that crushing dread can be alleviated by large sums of money, for, you know, lack of student debt purposes. If you haven’t entertained the thought of “accidentally” getting hit by a car at one of the many clusterfuck UMN intersections around here for tuition money, you’re a fraud. Check out this roster of dangerous intersections and pick your favorite.

7.)  Harvard St. and Washington Ave:

For the time being, the intersection outside Moos is under construction, but in ye olde days when there were two lanes you were apt to get hit by a rage-filled nurse or dentistry student. Enjoy not fearing for your life as you walk up Washington the next couple of years.

6.) Ontario St. and Washington Ave:

Normally Ontario isn’t so bad. But on the days when TCF Stadium explodes into an inane cacophony, suddenly there are hordes of bros and families with shitty little kids EVERYWHERE. Cluelessly standing on the corner, arguing over dinner, crawling at a snail’s pace in minivans – name an inconvenience and it will be fulfilled. Use discretion when getting struck by a van here, as these people might not be the type to give you a full payout.

5.) Huron Blvd. and Washington Ave:

Also known as “The World’s Longest Fucking Light,” Huron and Washington has its share of smarmy rich kids driving fancy cars, or alternatively, people who drive Crapmobiles and care even less than you do. While you wait for 3 and a half minutes for the LRT to pass and confused moms trying to  figure out the way to Delaware St., contemplate which campus vehicle you wanna get a payout from.

4.) 14th Ave and 4th St.:

Dinkytown is lit on weekends, but the intersection outside Loring Pasta Bar and Potbelly’s is lit 24/7. And by lit, we mean you are never going to be able to cross anxiety-free. Take a tally of how many times you see cars driving around other cars in the middle of the intersection and how many drivers you see flipping one another the bird.

3.) Oak St. and Essex St.:

So, what the fuck. There was a complete redesigning of Oak St. wherein they added a mysterious giant bike line and weird barricade-like objects sporadically, but for whatever godforsaken reason did not erect a pedestrian crossing from Essex. As a result, this is prime hit-and-run territory. Really desperate for some jing all of a sudden? Here’s your go-to.

2.) 11th Ave and University Ave:

This seemingly standard four-way intersection is on the edge of Dinky, but is just as terrifying sober as it is after you’ve had too many PBRs at some dude’s kegger. Metal torpedos of all shapes and sizes scream past at all hours, even into the wee drunken morning. This is actually a really good place to get in an accident because the Connector stops right outside Sanford, so you might have some semblance of an excuse.

1.) Pillsbury Dr./Harvard St.:

The blind approach by the Armory is one of the scariest places on campus. It’s even up there with Eddy Hall and Frat Row. Even though there is a clearly marked pedestrian crossing, you are always going to get the evil eye from someone who comes around the bend doing 45. Maybe wait until it’s dark to get that sweet lawsuit money.

If you’ve never been on the wrong end of a screaming metal death trap, you might be in for a whole new experience at one o’ these intersections. Be careful, or, if you’re after some sweet $$$$$$, we wish you the best of luck.

Before you head out, though, listen to our podcast! 

 

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