LEAKED: Kaler’s Spring Break Itinerary

author-pic at University of Minnesota  

We all know what we’re going to do for spring break. Some of us are taking advantage of our class privilege, traveling and getting drunk on sex and warm weather, while others pray for light at the end of the school year. What we don’t know is what President Kaler does on spring break. However, a dirty napkin inscribed with detailed spring break plans was found in his parking spot. We put two and two together and deciphered the napkin to share Kaler’s quintessential plans for spring break 2017

8.) Have a Golf Cart Race with Goldy Around Campus:

Everyone knows the close bond between Goldy and Kaler, it’s half the reason why Kaler became our president. They do this kind of stuff on the reg, but now that everyone’s gone they can take their antics to a whole new level.

7.) Get Piss Drunk and Pee on the Memorials on Scholars Walk:

If we had a chance, we would all do something to defile the pretentious memorials on Scholars Walk, who only serve to make this university appear prestigious. It’s unclear whether Kaler is doing this because he hates the memorials of if he hates the fact that he’s not included.

6.) Go to Centennial Dining Hall and Eat Ice Cream Cones for Hours:

Obviously, Kaler is unable to go to the dining halls during regular hours because he would be swarmed with star-struck students demanding autographs and tuition money back. Considering ice cream is the only good thing about these dining halls, Kaler would be a fool not to indulge his gluttony in peace.

5.) Watch Every Episode of Grey’s Anatomy in Nicholson:

SCMC students reside in Nicholson Hall, so it only makes sense to take advantage of the cinema-like atmosphere. Kaler likes to procrastinate doing work as much as the rest of us, so it only makes sense that he’d spend part of the week watching all 293 episodes of this show.

4.) Practice His Strip-Tease at Rarig:

This is an extremely nice building, especially considering it’s solely meant for theater majors. But if Kaler is going to practice his kinky routine, then it must be in a glittering setting. Why else would Kaler give a damn about Rarig?

3.) Bring All the Animals from PAWS into His Office:

Kaler understands how stressful the Gopher Experience can be and due to his unselfish nature doesn’t interfere with students and their deserved cuddling with animals. But practically no students are stressed during spring break, so Kaler, being a logical human, locks himself in his office with nothing but puppies and kittens.

2.) Discuss his Problems with the Cows in St. Paul:

Usually Kaler is so bogged down with hearing other people’s problems he has no time to discuss his own. He also doesn’t get to spend much time on the St. Paul campus, so by opening up to the cows he can hit two birds with one stone.

1.) Hotbox the Top Floor of Bruininks Hall:

Bruininks offers a stunning view of the Mississippi while offering modern furniture that is stylish and comfortable, making it a paradise for any stoner. It would take a lot of dank weed to fill up the whole top floor with smoke, but if Kaler has one defining quality it’s his determination.

It’s hard not to be jealous of all the awesome things Kaler is going to do this spring break. But with that said, we should be thankful to have a president who knows how to take full advantage of these opportunities.

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