After all of the usual pre-Spring Jam hype, SUA pulled through once again by bringing the wildly talented Lil Yachty to campus. Some students are excited about the concert, while others would rather listen to a crying baby than Yachty’s “bubblegum trap” sound. Either way, we have to give SUA props for being able to consistently book slightly disappointing headliners every year. A truly impressive feat.
Student leaders have really gotten themselves into a pickle this year however, after discovering that Lil Yachty is beyond just a rap name. Shortly after the man previously known as Miles Parks McCollum began his rap career, he also developed semi-aquatic characteristics. Without being at least halfway submerged in a large receptacle of liquid, a lyrically adept God of rap becomes a mere teenager with the rhyming skills of a toddler. This crippling fluid dependent condition is why we’ve never seen or heard the talented side of Lil Yachty.
Committed to putting on the best possible event, student leaders have been scrambling to find the optimal location for Lil Boat to work his magic.
“There’s really not a lot to work with around here, but we’ve managed to narrow it down to the massive pile of puke in the Sigma Chi parking lot, the Rec swimming pool, or the river of tears constantly flowing from inadequate feeling freshman engineering students,” reported Spring Jam Program Board Director, Maggie Jones.
After heavy use of Venn Diagrams and several games of Eenie Meenie Miny Moe, event planners decided to move forward with the Rec swimming pool. As comes with any big decision, there has been some backlash, specifically from the UMN swim teams. The show must go on, and nobody actually cares about the sport of swimming.
Additionally, inside sources have confirmed that the swim team is protesting primarily due to jealousy over Yachty’s newly developed gills, natural buoyancy, and ability to somehow get people to pay money in exchange for observing his talents.