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Meet Goldy’s Family!

It’s highly doubtful that you’ve ever cared enough about Goldy to ask about his family (you selfish bastard). If worse came to worst, would you be able to win a round of Trivia Crack by knowing that Goldy was raised by his aunt and uncle? Not a chance. But stop cowering in your petty guilt, The Black Sheep has delved deep into Goldy’s family history in order to help you get a glimpse into the lives of the people—err—gophers, who helped shape Goldy into who he is today.

 

Aunt Lisa

When Goldy was just a little pup, Aunt Lisa and Uncle Mark adopted Goldy from his pack-rat parents. With the help of her flaky pies and creamy casseroles, Aunt Lisa single-handedly helped Goldy gain the chubby cheeks for which he is now well-known. If you’re lucky enough to be on Aunt Lisa’s good side, expect to hear all of her opinions, including how much of a disgrace Goldy is for being 63 and single.

 

Uncle Mark

A straightforward and practical man, Uncle Mark loves chili, fishing for walleye, and woodworking. The wisest words Uncle Mark has ever uttered to Goldy were “Don’t you dare think about skipping classes. It’s called school, not choose.” The second wisest words Uncle Mark ever told Goldy were “Spin your head, but never let your head spin you.” Always donning a thick beard and a plaid flannel shirt, Uncle Mark could make any lumberjack -sexual jealous of his authentic panache and lifestyle. Uncle Mark’s most recent project is complaining about the tattered state of the Washington Avenue Paint-the-Bridge panels without ever fixing them himself.

 

Grandpa Schubert

Grandpa Schubert’s age is unknown, but one can assume that he’s in the ballpark of incredibly old (you know, because his grandson is 63?). Without teeth, Grandpa Schubert lives on a diet of exclusively Jell-O salad, strawberry milk, and raspberry smoothies from the Jamba Juice in Coffman. Grandpa Schubert is unable to hear without his ear trumpets and can only see out of his left eye when the weather is 61 degrees and partially cloudy. For the record, Grandpa Schubert sees the dress as white and gold.

 

Grandma Mary-Lou

When Goldy was very young, Grandma Mary-Lou would talk in a little baby voice. Well something went wrong because since then, she hasn’t been able to talk in a voice that doesn’t sound like a child on helium. Mary-Lou’s most recent ambitions include knitting and petitioning to have baby food added to the Gopher Express convenience store shelves. It’s unknown as to whether or not Mary-Lou is aware of the current year or that Kaler is president.

 

Bucky the “Gopher” a.k.a “We don’t talk about him”

Every family has their secrets and their disgraces and Goldy’s family is no exception. Bucky, a badger, was adopted into the Gopher family when his birth parents abandoned him (would you expect anything better from a badger?). Despite letting him roam freely on the Mall and never forcing him to live in Bailey Hall, the Goldy family was unable to help Bucky resist his natural instincts. He eventually showed his true badger colors and trekked over to Wisconsin. He’s been in and out of prison for alcohol/drug possession, arson, and entering Minnesota state lines with a duck on his head.

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