The University is unveiling the product of yet another MyU overhaul–an addition to the registration process that allows students to schedule in blocks of time for crying, panicking, and existential dread.
“I was grateful when the U made it easier to register for classes, but I never dreamed it would be this easy! Now I can schedule my semester’s classes AND designated crying time in one go!” Laurel Thompson, a senior, exclaimed exuberantly.
An overwhelming majority of students said in an end-of-year survey that their academic life was made more stressful by not having ample time to be upset about their future. With the new scheduling mechanism, students are guaranteed at least 3 hours per week to freak out.
“It’s so nice,” Thompson said breathily, “before, I had to worry about penciling in a time to be overcome with crippling anxiety and dread, but now MyU does it for me. This is going to make my weeks SO much easier.”
For those students whose wallowing skills aren’t up to snuff, a couple of new courses are also being offered–DESP 1001 and DESP 2050–to ensure students are able to get the maximum amount of self-pity out of their designated freakout times.
“A remedial class about being in despair? Sign me up. I love learning new life skills,” A black-clad CSCL student, James Hyland, said excitedly.
The new system has been met with unanimously positive feedback from students, staff, and faculty.
“This is an excellent idea,” an unnamed doctor at Boynton weighed in. “I won’t have to worry about my patients crying in the hallway anymore since they know when and where to best cry. It’s healthy to stick to a schedule.”
“I’m really glad the University has taken note of the problems we’re having and is doing something about them,” Thompson gushed. “Besides actually addressing mental health issues and what causes us to sink into a pit of desolation, this is the next best thing.”