The 2016 U.S. presidential election has ended and everyone is done talking about it. Political scientists, students, and, yes, even local university satirical writers have started to focus on something more relevant: student government.
One newly hired intern in the University of Minnesota’s Student Association has become an issue of major concern. This intern has been affecting all our daily lives as students and is definitely NOT Donald Trump. In fact, the new Minnesota Student Association’s newest member is outraged about any comparison to the president elect.
“It’s so so wrong,” scolded the new MSA staff intern, Ronald Klump, combing his fine, golden hair into his Oompa-Loompa orange head. “I can’t believe that the U of M student body could be so rude. It’s sad. Stop it.”
The candidate has yet to understand that the role of “intern” isn’t an elected position and instead is simply appointed by the richest administrators.
The MSA intern has been under scrutiny ever since his campaign for intern began, with a platform of expanding the “Build The Wall” mural on the Washington Ave bridge, building more lofts that no student can afford, and no longer accepting applications from anyone with the name “Gary.”
“Gary’s get accepted into this institution and they ruin our classes,”Klump said. When presented with the fact that, on average, Gary’s simply score higher on tests, raising the curve on exams and helping to keep the University of Minnesota’s GPA up, Klump responded in his typical manner, with what would become his campaign slogan: “Fuck Garys!”
Ronald Klump has won the position of intern with no prior student government experience, and completely relied on the vote of Carlson School of Business students from northern Minnesota. Normally, these students hole up in their Middlebrook dorm room for four years, and never acknowledging that life exists outside their violent video games, gun magazines, and Minnesota country music.
“I love Minnesota country music. It’s my favorite music. I listen to Minnesota country music. Minnesota. Listen. Music. Fuck Gary,” Ronald Klump stated. When MN Daily interviewer and that-girl-who-wears-glasses-even-though-she-doesn’t-need-them, Kayla Matterhorn, pointed out that Klump’s sentence “made no fucking sense,” Ronald proceeded to make fart noises into his MN Daily issued microphone.
Perhaps, the lack of enthusiasm for the other MSA intern frontrunner, Robot-in-a-pantsuit was the reason for the results of this election. The College of Science and Engineering designed the robot to be the perfect political opponent in a normal election. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a normal election.
“I thought that Robot-in-a-pantsuit was the clear winner. I never took the appeal of Minnesota country music into consideration,” said head engineer and C+ student, Felipe Tallbuilding. “Who the fuck likes listening to some shit about ice fishing with a country twang?”
Klump’s recently selected internship cabinet includes the bronze statue of Goldy the Gopher, The Washington Ave. Bridge Troll, The angriest UDS server, and the rest of the club of College Republicans. When told that interns don’t have cabinets, Klump again farted into a microphone.
“We’re very excited to have such a capable intern for the next 4 years,” said College Republican and man-who’s-never-touched-a-woman, Miles Behindthetimes. “Fuck Garys!”
If you’re saying you’ve never experienced DADs, well, you’re lying: