Every college student knows the fiery abyss that is finals week. Whether Dante knew it or not, his inferno perfectly encapsulates the temporary nightmare that is the University of Minnesota’s campus during finals. From the greedy CSE students in Walter, to the demonic worshippers on superblock here are the nine circles of hell on the University of Minnesota Campus.
First Circle: Campus Circulator Bus Stop (Limbo):
If you’re waiting for the campus circulator, you might have intentions of going to the library and studying, but you still can’t ignore that fact that you aren’t studying. Therefore, you will not suffer punishment, but instead be in limbo; happy not to be studying, but also dreading the fact you will have to study soon.
Second Circle: Group Study Rooms in Walter (Lust):
If you have a crush on someone in your class, the logical thing to do would be ask them to study with you. They may say yes, and initially you’re happy, but this happiness is shortly lived. Lacking the courage to make a provocative joke about your genitals while you study anatomy, you get nowhere with your love life and your academics suffer, but this is a mild punishment for your carnal desires.
Third Circle: Coffman Memorial Union Dining (Gluttony):
If you need to eat between studying, naturally you go to Coffman. However, you’re so stressed you feel the need to gobble copious amounts of sinewy animal organs, like Cerberus devouring a human. Before you know it, everyone starts regurgitating their orange chicken from Panda and violently thrashing in everyone’s puke.
Fourth Circle: Walter Computer Lab (Greed):
CSE students know their finals will be curved, so they greedily aspire to set an incredibly high curve to become the absolute best. They begin studying only to realize all their classmates are also there studying, so none of them leave in fear of losing their advantage, and thus get no sleep. It turns out the person who didn’t study at all did the best, and that their longing to become the smartest/lamest student cost them dearly.
Fifth Circle: The Mississippi River (Wrath):
Self-frustration is a natural effect of studying for finals, so you slam that $12 1.75L of vodka until it’s gone. But drinking alcohol out of anger only puts you in a drunken wrath, so you drown in vodka only to wake up on the banks of the Mississippi. Think of it as River Styx, except it’s way dirtier and you’re more likely to catch a venereal disease.
Sixth Circle: Your Bedroom or Dorm Room (Hersey):
After years of studying to no result other than perpetual failure, some people may approach finals by not studying at all. These people stay in their dorm room watching Stranger Things, and gently caressing their sexual organs. If the University of Minnesota preaches a religion it’s the piousness of excellence, and any act of not achieving excellence is heresy in the eyes of President Kaler and is punished by a 666% increase in tuition.
Seventh Circle: University Police Department on Washington (Violence):
Rumor has it that if your roommate dies, the University of Minnesota will give you all A’s for the semester. You come up with the elaborate plot of hiding in the shadows and waiting for your roommate to fall asleep before you slip into their room, and impale them with a steak knife. However, only in your passionate homicidal fantasies does this work, and you end up in the police station as the disturbed delinquent you are.
Eighth Circle: Starbucks at Coffman (Fraud):
If basic girls swarm to Starbucks like blood hounds to a corpse, it’s because they’re materialistic and don’t actually drink any coffee expect for pumpkin spiced swill. Anyone who has been to the campus Starbucks knows it sounds like hell’s harpies howling, and is near impossible to do homework in. The fraud of you pretending to study is condemned by asking for coffee and only receiving decaf with a drop of pumpkin spice.
Ninth Circle: Frat Row (Treachery):
Finals week can make anyone go insane, and attending a frat party during finals week is the epitome of madness. You’re not even in a frat, you don’t like frats, and you know you need to be studying; essentially betraying all your instincts. On the bright side, your treachery can’t be punished any further, you’re already in the deepest pit of hell.