Looking forward to the Wisconsin vs Minnesota football game this weekend, a shocking probe into the affairs of the University of Wisconsin-Madison revealed the potential corroboration of certain individuals involved in the Badgers football team with foreign Russian agents.
It is believed that this potential alliance with Russia is the only possible explanation for the unprecedented number of winning games throughout the Badgers’ 10-0 season so far this year.
“I think it’s very clear what’s going on,” said Charles Shumaker, a member of the Minnesota Gophers football team, “and the Badgers have a lot to answer for.”
“This is a ridiculous claim made by ridiculous people who are just bitter because they’re losing and we’re winning,” said well-known Badger player Don Richardson, when asked for comment. “It’s sad. Very sad. So sad. Sad.”
However, those purporting the allegations celebrated a victory this past Saturday when assistant coach of the Badgers, Phil Mason, was indicted on counts of conspiracy to launder money, failure to file reports of foreign bank accounts, false statements to the FBI, and conspiracy against his own country.
“He wasn’t involved,” head coach Steve Brinkley snapped when asked for comment by The Black Sheep. “He had nothing to do with the team. Even though he was a coach. It’s not like the coach has an effect on the team, is it? They’re entirely different things.”
Brinkley seems to have temporary amnesia about the well-known fact that assistant coaches are generally deeply involved in the actions of the team on the field, but nonetheless is passionate in his defense that Russia could never have affected the Badgers’ point tallies or winning games this season.
However, Minnesota Gophers officials have a different story to tell.
“There is no doubt in my mind that there is something fishy about how close Wisconsin team officials are to the Kremlin,” Minnesota coach Blake Oslo reported. “I think we need more information about how these allegations came to be and why the Badgers are reacting to them in such a volatile way.”
“Volatile?” Richardson’s face turned purple when he heard Oslo’s comment. “It’s Crooked Minnesota that needs to be investigated! Why aren’t we focused on them? They’re the ones who colluded! They’ve got… snow! Just like Russia! Snow and cold! Investigate that, FBI!”
As of now, no information has come out about the connection between Minnesota and Russia’s shared weather patterns and possible treasonous activities. There have been no attempts to investigate Richardson’s claims.
“They just don’t want to play us on Saturday,” Brinkley laughed. “That’s all this is. They don’t want to be losers because they know we’re the winners, Russia or no Russia.”
Brinkley’s comments seem to imply a connection, no matter how muddied, with the team and Russian operatives. Brinkley and Richardson will both interview with the FBI in the coming week, so there may be a chance for Minnesota to save some face by the reveal of Wisconsin’s crimes, or at least driving the Badgers to distraction so that the Gophers can clinch a win.
It seems unlikely, but there is always hope for Minnesota to take out the Badgers, even if that hope rests only in the question of possible collusion with foreign governments. Minnesota remains hopeful for a long-awaited victory.