After announcing a Spring Jam lineup full of virtually unknown performers, SUA has been trying new strategies to get students excited about the U of M’s annual music festival. In a tragedy of a PR campaign, SUA announced over Snapchat that they were adding a new Spring Jam mascot named…wait for it… “Mr. Spring Jam.” With the use of perhaps the most painful pun in human history, Mr. Spring Jam appears to be a metal spring with cartoon eyes sitting in a jar of jam.
The person responsible for the new mascot is Bryan Craigston, a high school junior taking classes at the U of M, with hopes to eventually join the Carlson School of Management.
“Bryan emailed the Spring Jam planning committee every day for 2 years asking to become the new ‘Junior Marketing Brain Man’ (or social media intern if you want to get all technical),” said Mariah Lemon, president of the planning committee. “We finally gave Bryan the title he wanted in hopes that he would be less of a bother to us. I just think he’s too eager and tries way too hard — and I’m a Carlson kid!”
After leading a mandatory three-hour presentation about marketing and the “emotional and spiritual value of mascots,” Bryan was put in charge of the campaign to design and announce the new mascot.
“I was working night and day trying to design a mascot that had the level of recognition of Goldy and the creativity of the Blue Blob from Xavier University,” said Craigston. “It wasn’t until I broke my pen and dropped the little spring on my jelly-smeared toast that I was stuck with a genius idea. Thus, Mr. Spring Jam™ was born.”
The Snapchat story began with a photo of a crudely-drawn image of what appeared to be Arthur from the beloved children’s television show. of the same name. After receiving abundant confused feedback from students, SUA tweeted saying that the drawing was actually Goldy the Gopher. The Snapchat story continued with two clear images of the Gopher with the caption “sorry Goldy” before saying that he was being replaced by the new Spring Jam mascot.
In the Snapchat story, students were encouraged to guess the identity of the new mascot based on a series of three clues. Those who guessed the identity of the new mascot correctly were entered to win a high five: SUA’s idea of a coveted prize.
The clues about the identity of the new mascot were as follows:
1. A close-up image of a wire basket or cage.
2. A close-up of a red sweatshirt.
3. A close-up of a completely unknown item that had both red and silver in it.
The clues given by SUA proved to be far too vague, as SUA received no guesses as to who or what the new mascot might be. “I don’t have many friends with arms so I got really excited about the chance to be entered to win a high five,” said Mary Angus, a freshman studying English. “Unfortunately, the only thing the clues had in common with the mascot was a vague color scheme. The whole Snapchat story was a mess. They didn’t proofread a thing. On one of the Snaps they asked ‘Whose excited?’ My grammar-Nazi tendencies kicked-in, and I lost what little excitement I had in my body.”
No one really knows how the unbearably lame mascot will be used at Spring Jam itself, rumors have been circulating about a potential mascot cage fight between Goldy and Mr. Spring Jam™ . Hopefully Mr. Spring Jam™ will get his ass kicked so SUA gets a hint to nix their social media interns.