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The 5.5 Stages of Living with Roommates at the U

Whether you’re a freshman or a super senior, you’ve lived with a roommate or two. During those 9 or 12 months of sharing a living space with a friend or acquaintance, your relationship goes through a metamorphosis. From feeling awkwardly obliged to be their friend, to becoming weirdly close with them, this list lays it all out so you can anticipate what is to come this year.

1.) You are polite and passive aggressive:
It’s the first few weeks of living together, and you have to make a good impression or they’ll turn on you and trash your stuff. You ask permission to eat some of their Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tarts, you (reluctantly) offer them your Ramen, you knock on the door before opening, you cook them food, etc. If they end up doing something that’s on your pet peeves list, like borrow your Gopheralls without permission, you will most likely avoid the situation completely or pull the “it’s fine” line. And God forbid you fart in front of them.

2.) You tell people you’re friends:
You’ve lived with each other long enough to learn about their lives, like how they’re majoring in psychology, are from fucking Edina, and perform sacrifices in the Prospect Park mills. This has warranted them a “you’re my friend now” certificate, so when you get invited to a Sig Pi party, you actually think to invite them. You’re even willing to take a cheesy pic with them in front of your friend’s FloCo apartment.

3.) You can finally trust one another:
In college, trust is a valuable commodity you can’t just give to any one of the MANY obnoxiously well-rested CLA students. Once trust has been established between you two/three/however many of you are crammed into T-Hall, things become more comfortable. You can leave the door to your room unlocked, you don’t need to hide stashes of Einstein Bros. Bagels in your slippers, and you’re not as hesitant to accept a mixed drink; you’re pretty sure they aren’t trying to poison you.

4.) You accept each other’s shit:
And now it begins. You are very close now—almost warranting the “bestie” title. You can leave dirty dishes in the sink, and no one wants to punch you in the trachea. You invite your friends over from ACR Homes, and no one wants to punch them in the trachea. They drink your booze from Super One Liquor, and you don’t want to punch them in the trachea. You can even leave your washed underwear hanging on a clothesline in the living room. No one wants to punch anyone in the trachea.

5.) You are their main bitch/bro:
Finally, you get to the point in the year where you’ve seen this person/these people at their best and their worst, so doing something that used to be embarrassing isn’t the slightest bit shameful. You can prance around the apartment in your granny panties/whitey tighties without judgement. Most importantly, farting is acceptable at this point. You all stay up ‘til 3 a.m. watching The Office or How I Met Your Mother together. You may even pass out in their small, twin-sized bed, and they don’t care; they love being your big spoon. Y’all are cute.

OR…

5.5.) You’ve had enough of them:
All good things come to an end, and that end typically comes during spring semester finals week, the end of Winter Break, the third week of school, or during welcome week if shit goes down real quick. But usually things go sour because of the little irksome things they do. They come in at 4 a.m., loud and drunk from Sally’s Saloon, the night before you have to wake up early for a midterm. They buy your mutual friend a gopher Pillow Pet but not one for you, or worse: they “only snuggle” on your UMN tie blanket with their boyfriend/girlfriend.

This school year has the potential to be 9 months of bliss or 9 months of hell. If you’ve found the roommate of your dreams who will most likely become your maid of honor/best man, please GTFO because that almost never happens to us plebeians. But, if you are experiencing a cliché, classic-college, movie-worthy roommate horror story, good luck sticking it out until the end of the year. Just know that it’ll only be a super long time before you can finally go home to your own room, your own bed, and your own, thoroughly-washed, UMN tie blanket.

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