Very few of us will ever visit every single building on campus; there are just too many of them, and for every building, there are at least a few hidden, creepy bathrooms you’ve never seen. Whether they’re ancient, modern, stinky or sort of clean… The Black Sheep has taken the liberty of exploring some of the ugliest and most reprehensible bathrooms on campus, so you don’t have to.
Anderson Hall, Basement:
This shithole bathroom smells like diarrhea burps mixed with fish sticks. You could hide a body in there, and no one would ever know. No one wants to go in there, not only because it smells like a dirty diaper filled with cooked parsnips, but because when you leave you have to go through an extensive decontamination process. There are hazmat suits and bleach and everything. If you’re running short on time, skip this one.
Social Science, Ninth Floor:
If you’ve watched all eight seasons of That ‘70s Show a million times and just can’t get enough of that vintage blaze orange upholstery and large glasses aesthetic, don’t worry – Social Science has got you covered. There’s even a nightstand in there you can keep snacks in if you tend to get the coffee shits after a large at Dunn Brother’s and are in there for way too long.
Peik Hall, Second Floor:
This bathroom is in lonely ol’ Peik, where CEHD students and grads go to suffer. So few people ever go here that they eliminated the toilet’s ability to flush to save water. Urban legend says that Jesus himself went to poop here and cursed it for all humanity’s existence, and that’s why people feel so awful when they go in here.
Humphrey School, First Floor:
You know how in The Sims when you made your rooms really ugly just because you could? That’s what happened in Humphrey. The rust-colored floor tiles complement the cotton-candy tinted wall tiles about as well as a shitty dorm room sign for PBR and faerie lights. The bathroom itself is pretty clean though, and the trash can even doubles as a “closed bathroom” sign! Thank goodness our tuition dollars are going towards Athlete’s Village instead of that!
Burton Hall, First Floor:
Now here we actually have something practical. Have you ever taken a shit so big you felt the need to really clean up afterward? In Burton, all hope is not lost! That fancy shower curtain you see in lieu of an actual stall door conceals a cute li’l shower. Forget bidets, an actual shower in your bathroom stall is the way to go to clean up your nasty behind.
Blegen Hall, Basement:
Rumor has it Theodore C. Blegen, this building’s namesake, really loved narrow spaces because that’s where he was kept as a child. In a well-intentioned but impractical architectural fiasco, the bathrooms in Blegen followed the same theme. This bathroom requires everyone to walk in a single file line to get to any stall, just like in elementary school. Dropping a deuce here is an exercise in grimy patience.
Pillsbury Hall, Basement:
A little known but unsurprising fact is that the Facilities Maintenance staff on campus really love playing Dungeons and Dragons. In Pillsbury, there’s a full-blown, albeit ancient, sofa that’s perfect for FM to take a load off and slay aberrant creatures. Whoever cleans the floor in there gets to be the Dungeon Master.
Well, there you have it. You can continue peeing in Carlson and Bruininks while enjoying the modern chrome-y aesthetic and automatic paper towel dispensers, all while taking satisfaction in the fact that you are now a campus bathroom connoisseur. Rest easy.