Some people have the blessing (or curse) of never needing to travel more than a half hour to get back to their parents’ home for the holiday season. Others are bound to taking the not-so-glamorous mode of transportation: the Megabus. Seasoned Megabus riders know that there are at least ten characters to watch out for the moment you step on the bus. You’re basically married to your seat buddy for the next few hours so choose wisely.
10.) The Hoarder:
She paid the extra $50 to pack another bag, yet she still manages to have at least two purses, five tote bags, a comforter, three pillows, and a 17-inch laptop crammed into your seating space. You’ll certainly be cozy!
9.) The Overly Social Freshman:
Although they are very rare, there’s a small handful of freshmen who remain equally idealistic and naïve in spite of their brutal first semester. She will to try to chatter up every person on the bus like its orientation week, so just smile and nod until she runs out of generic small talk.
8.) The Beats ™ Robot:
It’s 6:45 in the morning, you’re hungover and wanting nothing more than a snooze against a cold window, but the fellow sitting next to you has his Beats™ turned up to the maximum volume. You won’t be able to crack a word out of him, because he’ll be stoically head-popping for the entire ride.
7.) The Telemarketer:
Despite the unspoken code of silence most Megabus riders like to assume, there’s always at least one girl who decides to talk on the phone for the duration of the bus ride. Get ready for hours of her arguing with her boyfriend about why he lists his mom as “side chick” on his phone.
6.) The Crumb-maker:
Some people never learned how to eat, as you will learn when you sit next to the person who expels more crumbs than a Nature Valley bar. Prepare for saliva-encrusted Dorito bits to sprinkle onto your thigh from time to time.
5.) The Flirt:
He might seductively offer you a McFry or suggest you lay your legs over his lap. This may seem abrasive, keep in mind that this is probably closest he will be sitting next to a person in his life. Once every rider has rejected him, you’ll see him aggressively swiping on Tinder with the radius of 100 miles.
4.) The Stink Bomb:
You took the sound advice of previous Megabus trekkers — never sit near the bathroom. Yet despite sitting near the front, a flatulent odor still lingers. Thanks to those fast food rest stops, you’re trapped in an abysm of stank.
3.) The Cougher:
After thirty minutes of persistent coughing you’ll be reconsidering your seat. Oh sure, you feel bad for thinking that, but once a person is hacking up a lung without any sign of stopping, wanting to smother the person with Mucinex isn’t terribly surprising. Especially if that person goes for a cig break at the rest stop.
2.) The Teen Mom:
Equipped with a crying kid that will pick their nose while looking at you dead in the eye, you’re in for a long ride. While she’s watching Catfish on her phone, her kid will be screaming like a banshee and repeating the four letter words she heard at home.
1.) The Bus Driver of your Nightmares:
It takes thick skin to drive hundreds of these freeloaders across state borders. There’s a 90% chance your bus driver will be tall, hulky, and have an aggressive beard. Remember, he is the captain now, so do what he says or risk getting thrown off the bus on the highway.
Megabus carries passengers all across the spectrum of human peculiarity. When it comes to who you must sit next to during your journey, pick wisely. For the next few hours that person is your partner on the highway of hell.
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