Top 10: Freshmen You’ll Met During UMN Welcome Week

author-pic at University of Minnesota  

Thousands of first-year fledglings from all across the globe infest the UMN campus every September. But without a doubt, these ten freshmen will be part of your Welcome Week experience whether you liked it or not.

10.) Ms. Idealistic:
She was the President of Student Council, a varsity volleyball star, a former child model, or all of the above. During Welcome Week she thought she could maintain her daily 2-hour workout regimen, 100% organic paleo vegan diet, good grades, perfectly organized dorm room, exciting social life, beauty sleep and her sanity during freshman year. Give it two weeks and she’ll be reduced to oversized crewnecks and Papa John’s delivery. 

9.) Long-distance relationship attempters:
A multitude of love-struck freshmen are hopelessly devoted to their high school sweethearts. Instead of attending Welcome Week events, going to parties, exploring campus and downtown, or making new friends, their idea of a good time is locking themselves in their dorm room and making sweet Skype love to their significant other for 4 hours with shitty U of M wifi.  

8.) The prospective frat star:
He probably sported a “Rush Pike” t-shirt paired with various pastel Chubbies for every night of Welcome Week. He’d stand in the middle of the nighttime Superblock clusterfuck, crank up his backpack speakers, and attempt to lure anything resembling a female to frat row.  

7.) The sheltered ones:
These folks were wide-eyed, modestly dressed, and have a growing collection of friendship bracelets. They especially love small talk and their language is strictly PG. The most scandalous activity they partook in during Welcome Week was Humans vs. Zombies, but they were back in the dorm before 11 so they wouldn’t miss the next day’s scheduled activities.

6.) The desperate tag-along:
They latched on to one or two friends and then invited themselves to every activity the clinged attended. They didn’t contribute much to any conversation, but somehow they managed to sneak in to every picture taken to ensure to their social media followers that they have friends. 

5.) The booze supplier:
These kids spend family time with their siblings browsing Dinkytown Liquors or wait for a considerate care package from Mankato. For them, it’s a foolproof strategy to buying their friends during Welcome Week. It’s all fun and drinking games for the booze supplier until he gets a minor during the first month of school. 

4.) The hardcore academic:
Some freshmen honors, CSE and CBS students are coming in with enough credits to be an academic junior. They’re more serious about school than most adults are about their jobs. Any conversation you have with them will kill your self-esteem. Your summer accomplishment was completing Gossip Girl; theirs was participating in groundbreaking whale research in New Zealand.  

3.) The hipsters who don’t identify as hipsters:
Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish  between UMN students and the chain-smoking banjo players that lurk through the Washington Avenue Bridge and Dinkytown. Donning Ragstock apparel and beanies, these folks spent their Welcome Week evenings smoking an entire hookah directly outside of Middlebrook.  

2.) Love-at-first sight couples:
She was a Pinterest addict who had her entire wedding planned on her “Special Day” board. He was a haiku poet who knew how to play “I’m Yours” on the guitar. They found love in the Comstock dining hall during orientation when they both reached for the last stale sugar cookie at the same time. They’ve already met each other’s parents, moved into each other’s dorms, and exchanged promise rings during an intimate dinner at Loring Pasta Bar. 

1.) Picture girl:
Best steer clear of her, she’ll be documenting every mundane collegiate milestone. As a cautionary measure, here’s a list of everything/everyone picture girl will want to take pictures with: Goldy Statue, Northrop Mall, bridge during the day, bridge at night, roomie, first guy who gives her his number, dorm room, football games, first Coffman Starbucks (Caption: Venti LOL #college!!), first every time before going out, Insomnia, all the girls on her floor, and campus turkeys. Please note that this is only an abbreviated list.