Having witnessed all the subpar facilities around campus and in local establishments, The Black Sheep believes it’s important to help the student body overcome this constant struggle by providing a comprehensive list of the absolute best places to take care of business when nature calls.
10.) Saint Paul Animal Science Building:
This is for those of you who know things might get a bit messy. Disguise yourself amongst the livestock and do what needs to be done, but be careful not to look any goats in the eye, those little fuckers are mind readers. If anybody catches you, you can always argue that fertilizer is fertilizer regardless of where it comes from.
9.) Over the edge of the Washington Ave Bridge:
This is probably not one to try out in broad daylight, but if you’re feeling a bit edgy, it’s definitely a thrilling experience. There are various places over the water that will work, but if you have a soft spot for freshwater conservation you can always try to hit an unsuspecting biker on West River Parkway.
8.) Coffman front lawn:
Is there any better way to further shit on the tainted legacy of Lotus Coffman while also protesting the fact that the Food Court charges you 25 cents for a cup of water? We didn’t think so.
7.) The line of Sally’s:
This one has happened to most of us already due to the sheer size of this line on weekend nights. Those bouncers gotta take the time to make sure the story behind all those Illinois IDs checks out. You wouldn’t dare lose your spot in line with happy hour about to start, so it gets to a point where relief becomes more of a requirement than a choice.
6.) McNamara Alumni Center:
Because most of these places aren’t for the faint of heart, we’ll throw our serious bathroom goers a bone here. Being the only building with 3-ply toilet paper on campus, McNamara makes for a royal experience. Just be aware of the constant disappointment you’ll face once you go back to normal UMN bathrooms.
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5.) Bruininks Hall elevator:
Why does this particularly elevator always smell like Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson just spent an hour hotboxing it? Nobody knows. What we do know is that nothing you do within can possibly out stink the kush infused walls of this human hoisting device.
4.) Pioneer Hall rubble:
This one fits more of a niche audience. Only certain upperclassmen that were exiled to this poor excuse of a living space their freshman year will be drawn to defecate upon the ruins of it. We hope you find some closure.
3.) President Kaler’s desk:
Is there a better way to give a big middle finger to the establishment than by going to town on big-daddy Kaler’s workspace? Stick it to the man and maybe he’ll think twice before passing the next tuition hike.
2.) Campus Connector:
Sick of smelling the body odor and bad breath of the other students you stand next to on your daily commute? Easy fix. Just do your business right in the middle of the walkway and you’re sure to clear out 95% of the bus. Take any seat you want and enjoy the rest of your ride.
1.) PJ Fleck’s ELITE Toilet:
The holy grail of bathroom break locations, this custom-made gold-plated toilet (paid for with our precious tuition dollars) is the ultimate experience. Take your time to sift through pages of Fleck’s motivational catch phrases and try out a few squares of his limited-time promotional Row the Boat toilet paper.
There you have it Gophers. We hope some of these destinations are suitable alternatives to the unkempt and downright terrifying experiences you’ve had to deal with thus far.
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