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Top 10 Weirdest One Stop Phone Calls

 

From fraternity brothers making drunk booty calls at 2 p.m. to a freshman asking One Stop to knock some goddamn sense into his dorm roommate, here are the transcripts from the top ten weirdest phone calls One Stop has ever received.

10.) Jeremy Scott, College of Science and Engineering:

“Hello, my name is Jeremy Scott and I’ve been in a physics lab for, like, ten hours. I’m so bored. I want to do something fun. Can you help me?”

“Umm. No? Can I direct you somewhere?”

“Yeah, who’s in charge of the Williamson Hall sprinkler system?”

9.) Ralph Goony, Frontier Hall Resident:

“Hi, my roommate is the stupidest f^#@ing person I’ve ever met in my entire life. My floor is made of dirty clothes, he snores like an angry chainsaw, and he uses my showering towel to clean up his daily wine spills. Do you have anybody who can come over and knock some sense into this guy?”

“… Actually, surprisingly, it looks like we have a department for that. Let me transfer you to our Standby Bullies Department.”

8.) Anne Jackson, Mother:

“Do you have an Emily Jackson on file? I’m her mother.”

“Just a second… Yes, we do. How can I help you?”

“Can you tell her to text her mother back?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, I can’t do that. Shouldn’t you reach out to your daughter yourself?”

“I did. She won’t respond. Even when I send her a barrage of confusing, passive-aggressive monkey emojis.”

“I think I see the problem…”

7.) Greta Briggs, College of Biological Sciences:

“Quick, can you look up the molar mass of a single water molecule?”

“May I ask why?”

“Shh. No, reason. Just tell me quickly and quietly”

“You’re not taking an exam, are you?”

*click*

6.) Chaz Warner, Sigma Sigma Douche Fraternity:

“Heeeey. Ashleyyyy. Remember when you said you wanted a moped? How would you like to come over to my place and ride me instead?”

“Excuse me? This is not Ashley. This is One Stop Student Services.”

“Oh… What’s your name?

“Brianna”

“Heeeey. Briannaaaa. Do wanna come over, drink with me, make like a jigsaw puzzle and put our pieces together?”

“Are you drunk?”

“Maaaayyyyybeeeeeee”

“Sir, it’s two in the afternoon.”

5.) Miranda Gigglesby, College of Liberal Arts:

“Hello, my name is Miranda Gigglesby and I’m a recent graduate of the philosophy department. Do you have any job openings for deep thinkers who just want to ponder life’s biggest questions?”

“I think the janitorial department has an opening. Do you want me to transfer you to them?”

“…Yes, please.”

4.) Bruce Harreld, President of the University of Iowa:

“Hello One Stop Student Services, my name is Bruce Harreld and I’m the president of the University of Iowa. Would you be able to pass along a message to the Gopher football department? It’s very important.”

“Uh, sure. We don’t usually do that sort of thing, but I guess if it’s really important… Ok. What is it?”

“GO HAWKEYES! WOOOOOOOO! SKI-U-SUCK-MAH DICK, MOTHERF$&*ERS! YEAHHHHHHHHHHH! HAHAHAHAHA!”

3.) Michael Halsby, U of M Comedy Club:

“*unintelligible snickering* Hey, One Stop, is your refrigerator running?”

“No. We don’t have a refrigerator. This is a call center.”

“Well you’d better go… Wait. Really? Damn it.”

“Please don’t call here again.”

2.) Vanessa Wandermann, Unpopular Freshman:

“Can you tell me where the party’s at tonight?”

“No.”

“So you can tell me how much tuition I owe, but you can’t tell me how to get to Joseph Hendrix halloween party?”

“That is correct.”

“Phhh. And you call yourselves One Stop Student Services.”

1.) Bill Christophsen, Student and Washington Ave. Burger King Employee:

“Hello, One Stop, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you do. If you are looking for a tuition payment I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have is a very particular set of skills. Skills like drinking and smoking, acquired over a very long college career. Skills that make me useless to potential employers. If you let this payment go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not be homeless, I will not work at the campus Burger King, but if you don’t, I will cry. I will sob into my pillow and I will blame you.”

“Your tears mean nothing to us.”

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