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Transport System Just as Mediocre as LRT to Temporarily Run during Super Bowl

University Parking and Transportation Services has announced its new UMN light rail system is up and running. The move comes in response to Minneapolis’ LRT and bus systems being closed or detoured due to the Super Bowl this Sunday, and PTS wanted to replace it with a transport system just as mediocre. 

“People love the campus shuttle system, right?” The director of PTS enthused. “People also dig the city’s LRT system, so we figured we would combine the best of both worlds to create the Gopher Gullet. Its technology allows you to track it in real time, just like the campus shuttles!”

Students are skeptical of the new development, understandably so. The NextBus and GopherTrip technologies utilized recently are often mediocre at best.

“Right, so, the next train is supposedly 3 minutes away and then the next one after that is 57 minutes,” a student waiting at the stop outside Coffman explained, looking intently at the tracking app. “I have a class on West Bank in 45 minutes. I hope I can make it in time!”

A survey conducted by PTS revealed that the top two things students would like to see in the Gopher Gullet are convenience of stop locations and dependability.

“We listened intently when people told us where they go during the day, and how often. That’s why we put stops right outside Target Express, Blarney’s, and Sally’s! However, the dependability thing… we’re not as sure what to do about that, unfortunately. Students might just have to live with it,” The PTS director confessed insincerely.

Sarah French, an unamused junior, had quite a lot to say about the new Gopher Gullet when interviewed by The Black Sheep.

“One would think any technology that comes after GopherTrip would strive to be, you know, better,” French scoffed. “Especially considering how much my tuition keeps being raised. I have less faith in PTS than my old boyfriend, and he cheated on me three times with three different people.”

Whether the new Gopher Gullet will be a rousing success or an embarrassing failure remains to be seen, although most of campus would tell you that PTS’s track record is less than stellar.

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