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A Paragraph By Paragraph Guide To Bullshitting Any Paper As A UMN Student

If you’re currently huddled in Walter Library because you waited until the last possible second to write that stupid paper, you’re not alone. You’re probably thinking, “Oh my god, I’m fucked. Is there a local satirical newspaper writer who could potentially solve this problem for me?” Yes there is, very specific U of M student. Below, we have provided you with the perfect last-minute Bullshit Paper Outline. Enjoy the C+, you crazy procrastinators!

[Five unnecessary

MLA style

Lines that are simply

Filler so you can have

3 pages for this stupid paper]

[TITLE IN 20 POINT FONT]

[Your name again (just in case your prof missed it)]

[An introduction where you talk about a life-changing experience you had at Moos Tower yesterday that really has nothing to do with Biology. But, hey, the barista confused your chai tea latte for a doctor’s black coffee. You had to talk to him to switch drinks. That counts as an interview, right?]

[A thesis so long and convoluted that it would take the entire U of M Law School Class of 2017 to make any sense of it.]

[The first argument that popped into your head and seemed like a really good idea at the time, but now that you think about it, none of it makes any sense, but you continue with this idea and continue to say the same thing over and over again, and oh shit now you’re actually refuting what you said at the beginning of the paragraph and — OH MY GOD IS THIS ALL ONE SENTENCE?]

[Part of the paper where you make shit up and decide to bank on your TA grading this paper and not your prof. ] 

[The second argument based entirely around the largest quote you could find. Perhaps a speech made by President Kaler. After all, professors can’t argue with something their boss said, right? RIGHT?!]

[Insert the following B.S. quotation to serve as filler for the paper you are positive Tina, the TA who also falls asleep in class, won’t read very carefully–or fact check.]

[Paragraph you wrote after taking a congratulatory Oreos snack break that turned into a 2-hour text conversation with Bri, the confusingly gorgeous fashion major in your geography class. After realizing that you wasted valuable hours texting somebody about how much this paper sucks, you frantically go back to the task at hand and completely forget what you were talking about.]

[This is the part of the paper where professors would normally write a giant “What?” in the margins in bold, red ink. You know it, your prof knows it, but hopefully Tina will already be asleep by this point.]

[A seeming analogy found in the class literature that is actually cleverly disguised, snarky commentary on how stupid and pointless this paper is.]

[Symbolism, symbolism, metaphor, FDR quote, symbolism, metaphor, Goldy the Gopher emoji, symbolism, something Nitsche said. (For some godforsaken reason, U of M professors love that guy.)]

screen-shot-2016-11-17-at-9-21-47-am

[Some bullshit explanation of your useless graph that presents your research just like your professor’s opinion of this paper will be: inconclusive.]

[An argument about sexism and the male gaze that you thought about while watching those douchebags play frisbee on those squares of grass that, for some reason, aren’t called “the quad”.]

[Oh my god. This paper must be submitted in the next ten minutes. It’s go-time. You dn’t even care bout speling anymore, you just have to get this stooped paper dun. Yur final argumint is coming out of u like todays Coffman Union Panda Express, quickly and out of yur ass.]

*Note: This paper should be typed in 12.5-point font, with the widest margins possible and every period changed to 14-point font. Make spacing 2.25 in hopes that Tina, who will skim this thing, won’t catch you.

 
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