UMN freshman Jenny Rimes returned to her second semester on campus to find that she was the only person in the entire Twin Cities metropolitan area that was not up to date on the Vikings season.
“I’m from Montana,” Rimes explains anxiously to The Black Sheep. “My family isn’t big into sports, and I spent every football game in high school smoking cigarettes in the parking lot. How am I supposed to keep track of a sport that I don’t understand the rules of?”
This excuse, however, is not enough for the casual friends she made in her first semester of school who are not physically capable of talking about anything but the Vikings, like good Minnesotans.
“I can’t talk to anyone,” Rimes says. “I’ve tried to come up with conversation starters like talking about how much I love Tom Brady–he’s a Vikings player, right?”
As any good Minnesotan knows, uttering the cursed name of Tom Brady in front of a Vikings fan is like saying the name Lord Voldemort in front of Harry Potter, so it hasn’t aided Rimes’ case.
“Anyone who isn’t talking about the Vikings isn’t a person worth talking to,” Lisa Nelson, Rimes’ roommate and lifelong Minnesota Vikings fan scoffs. “SKOL!”
“What the fuck does SKOL even mean?” Rimes despairs. “The only words I seem to hear in conversation since I got back to campus are SKOL and UFFDA! Am I saying that right? Uffda? I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe if I just repeat those words often enough, that’s enough of a conversation for these people.”
In fact, this may not be a bad method, since “SKOL” and “UFFDA” were the only sounds that could be heard coming out of every frat house on Sunday as the Minnesota Vikings played the Philadelphia Eagles for the chance to compete in the Super Bowl.
“I know the Super Bowl is a big deal,” Rimes tells us, voice growing shriller by the moment. “I know that. I don’t know who’s playing or where it is or how they get there, but I know it matters. Are the Vikings playing in the Super Bowl? Is that it? Is that the piece I’m missing here?”
Unfortunately, she hit the nail on the head a little too hard as last night the Vikings were destroyed by the Eagles 38-7 and therefore will not be playing in the Super Bowl here at the US Bank Stadium, crushing everyone else in the cities–everyone other than Rimes, who again, has absolutely no idea what’s going on even though it would only take a simple fucking Google search.
“Well, I heard a lot of yelling last night after I spent all of Sunday alone in my room since there was nothing else to do on Sunday but football,” Rimes explains. “And a lot of crying. Was it sad tears? Was it happy tears? This is so confusing.”
Luckily for Jenny Rimes but unluckily for everyone who even has a passing interest in the Vikings or state pride, the football season will no longer be a worry now that the Vikings are not playing anymore and half of Minneapolis has flung themselves on the ground weeping in despair.
The Super Bowl will be held in Minneapolis on February 4th, the New England Patriots versus the Philadelphia Eagles, and Tom Brady will win another fucking Super Bowl.
“Tom Brady?” Rimes asks excitedly. “Go Tom Brady! Am I popular yet?”
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