6 Things at UMN With Indeterminate Purpose

author-pic at University of Minnesota  

Our beloved UMN campus has its quirks and is chock-full of neat little things that make you say, “huh!” or, “what the fuck?!”, or both. The sheer size of campus means that there are bound to be some rather mysterious things that you’d otherwise pass by and never really think about why they exist. The Black Sheep wants to extrapolate with you on what the heck is going on with all this weird shit.

6.) Dinosaurs Embedded in Resin on the Bridge:
Sometime last fall, little plastic dinosaurs and pennies were found inside little cracks and chips in the pedestrian bridge. The holes themselves were filled with resin, so it’s impossible to swipe anything. The best we can figure is the dinosaurs being frozen for eternity is an allegory for global warming, and the trapped money represents us as a species letting it happen.

5.) Stadium-Superblock Circulator:
PTS revamped the inter-campus bus system a couple of years ago. In addition to the Connector, University Avenue Circulator, and 4th St. Circulator, there is now also a stunted bus that goes from Superblock to behind TCF. The thing is, there is never anyone riding it. The drivers could be doing lines of cocaine and taking shots of Beefeater and no one would ever know.

4.) Goldy’s Locker Room on Washington
Next time you step around a pile of puke in Stadium Village, cast a glance inside the Goldy’s Locker Room. There is a 99% chance that no one will be in there shopping, which begs the question: what’s going on in there? Drugs? Is Goldy himself running a sweatshop? Maybe the best thing to do is keep your head down and continue on so the secret police won’t show up in the middle of the night to break your knees.

3.) Butt Plug Statue Outside Folwell:
Supposedly this statue is supposed to look like rocks or some shit but it bears more than a little resemblance to a butt plug. Folwell is arguably the most intimidating-looking building on campus, so it would have made sense to go with a statue that was a replica of a medieval torture device, maybe. Either way the accidental phallus is thought provoking.  

2.) West Bank Construction Site:
The chopped up earth and echoing clangs from the construction site on West Bank have permeated our dreams. Sometimes pallets of wood are on the other side of the area than they were when we left for class. Perhaps it’s a reworking of the Nazca Lines or Stonehenge, and us wimpy mortals are soon to be destroyed in fire raining from the sky. It doesn’t matter what we think of it anyway.

1.) Pioneer Hall:
Ah, Pio – there are very, very few students who have no memories involving Pio. These memories may involve anything from tuna melts to leaky showers to ghosts. Pioneer is that weird neighbor lady who walks around naked in the yard you can’t help but be sort of drawn to. It is possible that when it’s done being renovated it’ll be the most desirable dorm on campus? No, absolutely fucking not – it’s Pio, for God’s sake.

Next time you’re out and about on campus, take a peek around you and see if there are any ~mysteries~ worth solving. Be careful, though – you might be opening a can of worms.

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