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UMN Ranks Third Nationwide for People Who Just Want to Get the Fuck Out of Here

For the second year running, the University of Minnesota has the third highest number of graduates who will soon get the fuck out of this country by volunteering for the Peace Corps.

“I weighed my options, and the Peace Corps was by far the best way for me to put as much distance between myself and the U.S,” said Thomas Irving, a Physiology graduate from the Class of 2016. “I wanted to join the French Foreign Legion but I’ve got flat feet and they don’t let you smoke weed. Fortunately, the Corps doesn’t care about that.”

Individual UMN volunteers’ stories differ, but many common reasons for their intense desire to leave the U.S. included poor job prospects nationwide, the insidious cultural sociopathy commonly called “Minnesota Nice,” and the fucking awful sports teams that the University and the state of Minnesota have to offer.

“My advisor kept telling me to look for internships, but they’re harder to find than free parking spots on campus,” said Political Science major Alyssa Harris. “And honestly, why would I want to work for the fucking government now? No thanks, I’m gonna go to a country that has its shit together, like Colombia or Ukraine.”

The class of 2016 boasts an impressive 70 volunteers, only one person lower the class of 2015’s 71 volunteers who have long since fled the United States.

“There aren’t a lot of easy opportunities to leave the country, so you kinda have to take what you can get, you know?” recounted Chris Hoffman, a 2015 Art grad currently volunteering in Senegal. “Arts jobs are really hard to find, and now I hear that the NEA is going kaput soon. There really was no realistic way for me to pursue my passion for post-modern phallic sculpture, so shit yeah I went abroad.”

Interviews with rising seniors indicate that the number of refugees/volunteers will likely only rise in the future.

“I’ve always wanted to go to South America, and it would be a great way to improve my Spanish,” said Communications major Kylie Mann. “But seriously, if anyone at the Peace Corps reads this, I’ll take whatever–Thailand, Nepal, fucking Antarctica to build wells for penguins–I don’t care where I go. Just get me out!”

The top two universities for Peace Corps Volunteers are currently UW-Madison and the University of Washington, whose students apparently hate this fucking shithole of a nation even more than Gophers do.


WATCH: For some, spring break is about partying on the beach. For others, it’s about wallowing in despair:


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