Before last week’s heartbreaking loss to the Iowa Hawkeyes, the University of Minnesota started the usual chant. “We hate Iowa” resounded throughout TCF Bank Stadium, bringing together douchey nerds and nerdy douches alike. However, after the game, many students felt that they had participated in something dirty and wrong after seeing the effects of the chant on Iowa fans and players.
“The bad words hurt our heart place,” sputtered Iowa linebacker Hugh Jeman, while a single tear ran down his face.
Many of the Iowans who participated in last week’s game also left the stadium with tears in their eyes, despite the win. Because of the effect the “We hate Iowa” chant had on Hawkeye fans, and many students identifying with the Minnesota Nice persona, a proposal was made to change “We hate Iowa” to something more welcoming.
“It’s just football,” needlessly screamed body-painted frat boy, Vince Gutt. “I don’t want to be a bully.”
After looking over the proposal, President Kaler decided that changing the chant was indeed, necessary. He put a crack team of his best, brightest, and most sensitive student council members to work on this important task.
“I believe in an inclusive campus, and that means we have to be nice to Iowans,” President Kaler stated. “The traditional ‘We hate Iowa’ chant just doesn’t go with the rest of our campus vibe. Look at our diversity programs, our commitment to helping the community, our ‘Build the Wall’ panel on the Washington Ave Bridge. Does that say bullying to you?”
The student council has come up with many options to try out at the next U of M vs. Iowa game. The President of The University of Minnesota has narrowed down the chanting at TCF bank stadium to the following chants:
“Iowa is alright!”
“You can score if you want!”
“Here at the University of Minnesota we invite anyone and everyone to have a good time during any of our fun Big Ten sporting events, and all of us collectively wish to promote a welcoming, inclusive, and respectful campus, while removing barriers to success for all!”
“Go Gophers! Or Iowa! Whatever suits your fancy! You’re an individual and we respect that!”
“It’s just a game!”
“We hug Iowa!”
“Our former hatred came from a place of collective self-loathing and our attempts to make you feel worthless were because we, ourselves, feel an overall sense of worthlessness. Please accept our humblest apology!”
So next time students are screaming bloody murder at Mitch Leidner for fucking up for the umpteenth time against Iowa’s average defense, they must keep in mind that any Iowa-hating has been banned from TCF Bank Stadium. According to TCF facilities management, any chants that are not on the above list are banned from any and all Iowa rivalry games.
President Kaler wishes fans to enjoy the following Big Ten football games, and hopes that The Golden Gophers will have a cordial matchup with our fiercest rivals, The Iowa Hawkeyes.
Why are sorority girls so addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Let’s have a look: