5 Ways to Avoid Being Handed Sh*t in Speaker’s Circle

author-pic at University of Missouri  

Speaker’s Circle: Supposedly a place where free speech is encouraged and practiced openly. What they don’t tell you is that it happens to be the flier capital of the damn world. You can’t walk through it without walking away with at least a couple of booklets on why you should live at Brookside or what to do when Jesus comes “again.” We at The Black Sheep have come up with a few strategies on how to walk away empty handed from the annoying Speaker’s Circle.

5.) Always carry a little Bible in your hand:
Although it may seem tedious to carry a little bible around in your hand all day, nobody will hand you anything. When someone goes to give you their handout, just put up your mini-bible and say you already got one. If you need to get a mini-bible to do this, you should be able to get one in Speakers Circle pretty easily from Brother Jed.

4.) Walk around and avoid it:
It won’t be easy, as Speaker’s Circle happens to be the quickest route from the Student Center to Jesse Hall, but the only sure-fire way to never be handed anything is to avoid it completely. It will always be tempting to go to the Dip n’ Dots truck, but unless you want 30 pamphlets about shit that’s happening on campus this fall, you will have to say goodbye for good. Of course, you will miss seeing Hackie-Sack Guy hackie-sacking it up some days, but it’s a small price to pay to avoid all of those tree-killers anyway.

3.) Hand out shit yourself:
As they say, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. If you walk through Speaker’s Circle enough times, you can take all the papers, fliers, and mini bibles you’ve been forced to take and partake in the fun yourself by distributing them to people passing by. If you think about it, people never hand out shit to other people handing out shit.

2.) Cut off your hands:
Although it will be hard to live a handless life, it must be done to assure you won’t be handed a million leafs of who knows what that will soon end up in the garbage can anyway. It will be challenging, but nobody hands things to a person with no hands (but we wouldn’t put it past them).

1.) Just be a dick:
The most obvious thing to do when they put a little booklet out for you to take is to just walk right on through while completely ignoring them (or smack it out of their hand like a bully). You may feel like a dick for doing so (you should), but is it really that much better than taking it, awkwardly shoving it in your bag, then uncrumpling it at home and cursing yourself for giving in to peer pressure?

Of course, you can always just try putting in your ear buds and walking through Speaker’s Circle like you’re the only one alive and paper free. You might get lucky, but we highly doubt it; so just remember these tips, and you should be safe from all the annoying handouts Speaker’s Circle is sure to throw your way this semester.