Bottles upon bottles of Old Style and Schlafly have been busted on the heads of countless St. Louisans and Chicagoans amidst drunken arguments over which is better: The Windy City, or The Gateway City. Many brawls have occurred in Columbia (usually at Fieldhouse or Harpo’s) when St. Louis and Chicago teams face each other on the baseball diamond or on the ice, whether it’s the fans or the players themselves during games. As pussies who never jump in on fist fights, The Black Sheep team has witnessed many heated debates over what makes each city superior, so we have compiled a list to finally bring the discussion to a close.
6.) Imo’s vs. Lou Malnati’s:
Fewer things give Chicago kids firmer boners than deep-dish pizza. The same goes for Imo’s thin crust pizza, which is a crime against humanity if you don’t order T-ravs on the side. Lou Malnati’s (which sounds like ‘Illuminati’s’ if you say it really fast) is the prime pizza joint of Chicago, while Imo’s is the famed ‘square beyond compare.’ Honestly, pizza’s pretty much pizza once the drunchies kick in, so as long as you don’t get the god-forsaken Little Caesar’s special of cheese and crust on cardboard, either one will suffice. But here at Mizzou, we compromise for sake of diversity and we’re sure Shakespeare’s is the clear middle ground option.
5.) Cubs vs. Cardinals:
With a rivalry that has been around for over a century, the Cards and Cubbies have been at each other’s throats for a good while now. Even though an actual bear cub would beat the living shit out of a Cardinal in real life, the opposite has held true since 1908…until last year. The Cubs broke their renowned curse by winning the World Series for the first time in 108 years, while the Cardinals missed the MLB Postseason entirely. We’re not sure how many billy goats had to be sacrificed for the coveted World Series victory to happen, but as of April 19th, the Cubs are ahead of the Cardinals by only one game in the NL Central. It’s early in the season, but we’ll give the slight advantage to Chicago at the moment, even if St. Louis has more World Series titles overall.
4.) Blues vs. Blackhawks:
Though the Blues have never won a Stanley Cup, most of the present-day Blackhawk fans have only been around since 2010, so it about evens out. Since the start of this decade, the Blues and Blackhawks have been forces to be reckoned with in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, playing each other in a series every 1-2 years. A civil war nearly erupted at Mizzou last year when the Blues ousted the Blackhawks in the first round after seven grueling games, but it appears to be a different story in 2017. As of April 19th, the Blues are readying their broom to sweep The Wild, while the Blackhawks are on the verge of getting swept by The Predators. Regardless of what happens, many death stares and bitch faces will continue to be given to people passing each other in Blues and Blackhawks jerseys long after The Playoffs are over. With the current playoff standings, St. Louis walks away the victor in this one.
It’s no mystery that Chicago and St. Louis have a reputation for being real life versions of Grand Theft Auto with all their murders, robberies, arsons, and whatnot. God Emperor Trump himself has even threatened to “send in the Feds” if people don’t stop getting capped in Chiraq. Several forget that East St. Louis (the former murder capital of the nation in 2007) is actually in Illinois too, so that only adds insult to injury (ouch). Then again, The Lou was home to the internationally covered Ferguson protests, which led to a lot of free TVs, booze, and ‘rillos for a bunch of people. Chicago and St. Louis have both been the most dangerous cities in the United States during different periods of time, so we’ll call this one a draw.
Kanye. Chance the Rapper. R. Kelly. And of course, Chief Keef. Chi-town has quite a rap sheet, so to speak, of hip-hop greats hailing from the city, with many others on the rise to prominence. St. Louis, on the other hand, has Nelly with his timeless classics “Hot in Herre” and “Country Grammar,” which are still played at countless weddings and bar mitzvahs. Nelly may have hits, but Chicago is the stomping ground of much more successful artists, most notably Yeezus Christ himself. St. Louis may be the birthplace of ragtime, but Chicago’s many trap houses all bring something to the table for the music scene in 2017, so the latter is triumphant here.
Everyone who goes to Mizzou knows Columbia is home to bipolar weather conditions, ranging from Antarctica-like snowstorms to heatwaves synonymous to the Sahara Desert. We all have the one asshole in our classes during winter who says, “Oh, you think THIS is cold? Try walking in downtown Chicago where it’s windy AND freezing. This is nothing.” Well guess what, chode stroker? We don’t care. St. Louis has had its fair share of miserable weather crises’ over the past several years, so it’s not like St. Louisans are completely desensitized to shitty weather. Even though summers in Chicago are nice, the brutal winters make the conditions less than desirable. St. Louie wins this round.
With the score ending in a solid tie at 3-3 for Chicago and St. Louis, it seems we’re back to the drawing board. Our advice? Keep up the bickering, and just be glad you’re not from Kansas.
Like booze before noon? So do these guys…