The slow holiday death march began long before Thanksgiving is over, but now that turkey is officially in the past, all of Santa’s little elves have been pushed into chinese child slavery work conditions, and Wal-Mart execs are jerking it into their quarterly report. That means it’s Christmas time, or whatever winter holiday you celebrate. Now since we need some reason to excuse our collegiate alcoholism, your Black Sheep staff came up with 7 themes to use at your next house party.
7.) Tiger Stripe Christmas Orgy:
Along with alcoholism, being a sex addict in college is totally acceptable. So satisfy both your urges with this good ole classic orgy. We can’t guarantee that there will be ice-cream, but we’re sure there will be stripes of white all over whatever cement basement you decide is best. However, be sure to follow the MU-News bureau’s recommendation and be sure not to have any food so nobody swaps saliva and gets the mumps.
6.) Non-Denominational Non-Offense… Thing:
In the spirit of being PC , enjoy this fine social outing. It’s 2016 and it’s hard to say anything these days without offending someone. This party theme can help with that. Everybody gathers in a room and says absolutely nothing at all for and unprecedented amount of time.
5.) Holiday Shot-Fest:
Enjoy all your favorite holiday drinks in mass proportion with this family friendly event. Mix all your favorite cheap eggnogs with all your favorite cheap liquors. Enjoy a Vodnog, or vodka and eggnog. Or eggshine, your classic eggnog and moonshine. Or our personal favorite, Christmas Antifreeze, it’s just antifreeze. A lot of antifreeze.
4.) Santa’s Slutty Secret Elves:
Need some B.S. reason to be a slut this winter? Well you may be on the naughty list but have we got a present for you. Dress up as anything with minimal clothing and some sort of relation to winter. Be a sexy elf and wear pointy ears and odds are someone will have a weird Lord of The Rings fetish you can take advantage of. Or a sexy snowman, just put a scoop of snow to cover naughtier bits and five minutes into the night you’ll end up embracing your inner nudist. As always there’s the go-to sexy Santa, wear some red felt with white fluffy trim and you’ll be sure to pull some things out of a sack later that night.
3.) Goat Sacrifice Around a Christmas Tree:
Tired of being PC? Embrace everything that insults society and sacrifice a virgin goat to a burning christmas tree. Sure-fire way to start a riot amongst PETA, the EPA, and most religious people everywhere. Great first date. Fun for the whole family.
2.) Christmas Movie Party:
Absolutely innocent. Break out the hot cocoa and blankets and gather around with your family and friends to enjoy some classic Christmas films. Whether you want to watch Charlie Brown resuscitate a dying plant with his overall douchey friend group, or get some laughs out with A Christmas Story as you watch a visually impaired child get bullied and eventually wind up nearly blinding himself before lying to his parents about it. Want a rom-com? Try Love Actually, it’s actually good, nothing more to be said. Just make sure your computer isn’t still plugged into the HDMI cord and you accidentally turn on Santa Baby Gets Her Chimney Stuffed, or whatever fucked up holiday-porn your creepy ass gets off to.
1.) Cult Suicide:
For those of you really done with finals. Join if you want. Kool-Aid all around.
Party on, Tigers.