BREAKING: Free Red Swimsuit Scam Allegedly Organized By Brother Jed

author-pic at University of Missouri  

Yesterday all across Instagram students saw posts of a woman in a red swimsuit promising a free suit by resharing the photo. Along with the rest of the country, students at Mizzou spread the image across social media in an attempt to secure a free swimsuit.

After some investigative journalism, we were shocked to discover that this image originated right from our own campus.  We dug deeper to find which person was to blame. The golden rule of investigative journalism is to always follow the money, so that’s what we did. Following one sleepless night and endless hours of research, we finally made a shocking discovery.

Brother Jed. He’s the man pulling the strings behind the swimsuit scandal.

It was all in the fine print; in Sunny Co.’s online terms of agreement to be exact. If you look closely, the 69th paragraph clearly reads, “In the Columbia, Missouri area, an individual by the name of Brother Jed is solely responsible for distribution, and thus will present all ordered swimsuits to local customers at Speaker’s Circle.” 

The terms of agreement go on to suggest a synergy in place with Sunny Co. and Brother Jed’s ministries. It’s a win-win, as Brother Jed’s celestial powers of blessing guarantee nothing but success for Sunny Co., while Jed has an opportunity to profess how whores and harlots will be forever damned to Hell when girls get their free swimsuits at Speaker’s Circle. 

It remains to be seen whether students will actually undergo the act of speaking with Brother Jed in order to obtain their free swimsuit. Only time will tell if this expensive act of publicity really paid off for the revered Brother Jed…

Like booze before noon? So do these guys…