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Mizzou Crimes that Will Get You Locked Up in the Ellis Jail Cells

Mizzou is full of secrets and mysteries. Here at The Black Sheep we just got a tip of perhaps the most interesting one yet–Ellis Library has jail cells. Tucked away in a secret annex, legend says that law school students used to lock themselves inside these cells to study for the bar, but nowadays they go unused. Now hold up! There are many things that MU students do every day that should be met with a couple hours locked up in these elusive cells. Here are some annoying, weird, and down-right repulsive reasons Mizzou students should spend some time in an Ellis lockup…

6.) Attacking students in Speaker’s Circle:
See that student walking past you with their sunglasses on and nose poked into their phone? Read the body language. They do not want to have flyers shoved in their face. No one is going to give you money, sign a petition, or come to your fundraiser if you harass them. Turns out people don’t like to be annoyed. Who knew?

5.) Wearing shorts and flip-flops in October:
Why do people do this? We’ve tried the whole “see it from their perspective” thing, and honestly, it’s just dumb. Not only is this a retina-burning fashion crime, it’s a surefire way to get frostbite. Now, how do you think your flip-flops are gonna look with blue toes?

4.) Taking off your shoes in the library:
This is even worse if you take off your socks too, which sadly enough, we’ve witnessed. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Are you waiting for a foot massage? Are you going to paint your toenails while you write a paper? Yea, we didn’t think so. Feet smell, and public places are gross. Shoes are a thing for a reason. Put them on and keep them on.

3.) Skipping your 12 p.m. class because you went too hard the night before:
Sounds like your living too much by the “play hard” and not the “work hard” part of the college motto. Really though, at this point you need to reevaluate your life. How did you make it to such a low point in your life? Take it from the wise words of Tom Haverford, “Sometimes you gotta work a little to ball a lot.”

2.) Talking at the top of your lungs during a lecture and laughing like a hyena:
SHUT UP! We guarantee that whatever your bestie sitting next to you said, was not that funny. We promise that your follow up anecdote was not that important either. Kindly close your pie hole so the rest of us can get back to ignoring every word that comes out of the professor’s mouth without your distracting shriek of a laugh. Sincerely, the other 199 people in this lecture hall.

1.) Being a University of Kansas Jayhawk fan:
Are you lost? GET OUT!

Basically, if you avoid being a grade-A asshole, you don’t need to be locked up in Ellis. As for the rest of you degenerates, watch out.

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