We are nearing the end of another school year, fellow failures. And with that end means some spring cleaning; whether it be throwing out all of your empty Svedka bottles before dear old mom and dad come to move you back under their rule, or hastily using up all of your swipes at Mizzou’s dining halls. Lucky for you, we here at The Black Sheep have an infinite amount of suggestions for how to tastefully use your remaining swipes for the betterment of your life. (Jk, it probably won’t make your miserable lives any better, but hey, we tried.)
8.) Buy all of the apple juice at Emporium Cafe and make a slip ‘n slide:
With the disgustingly humid Missouri weather upon us, we suggest taking a break from cramming 16 weeks of lessons into two days before your finals to create some sticky fun (no Chad, not that kind of sticky fun). Emporium starts to sell all of their drinks by the case, which is perfect for creating a slip ‘n slide made of apple juice. We suggest doing it right in front of The Columns so prospective students get a front row view of the fucked-up things Mizzou students do to keep their sanity.
7.) Stock up on anything you may need for your apartment this summer/next year:
If you’re staying for the summer and are dreading the thought of having to grocery shop like an actual functioning adult, fear not. Clean out Empo and steal some chicken from Southwest. Store everything you have gotten in cans like the pilgrims did way back when. Chicken can’t go bad if it’s in a can, right?
6.) Gorge yourself on stir fry from Plaza:
When are you ever going to have a stir fry setup like this at your fingertips ever again? This is the ultimate source of power at your fingertips, and you are about to say a sad goodbye. Take advantage, kids. Get one for your mom, your dad, your pet tarantula. Or maybe you’re so sick of stir fry you’d be happy to never hear the question “rice or noodles?” ever again. But for the love of Truman, please feed your fucking pet tarantula.
5.) Sell your swipes:
We all know that one kid that was way too generous and swiped his friends in multiple times when they “forgot” their card. Now, they are SOL, and there is still two weeks to go. They might insist that it’s perfect time to start an all liquid diet anyway, but they are definitely just plain stupid. Now is your chance to name your price. You’re like a god to these kids out here.
4.) Get a bunch of cheesecake slices and hide them around campus:
It’s like an Easter Egg hunt but with cheesecake! Whoever finds one gets the pleasure of eating it too, so really it’s like you’re giving back to the community. We just feel bad for whoever finds the slice you hid in the bathroom at Ellis Library. Although we’ve heard there are some pretty creepy people that hang around the bathrooms in there. Maybe this will keep them occupied from their creepiness? You’re a hero.
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3.) Swipe random people into Plaza and give them a tour like you’re Willy Wonka:
Your swipe card is the golden ticket to a world of imagination where kids can eat soft serve ice cream for breakfast and no one will question them.
2.) Name the swipes and keep them as pets:
This swipe card and everything it represents nurtured and fed you. It’s family now. And you’re freaking batshit insane. Happy finals week!
1.) Gather ingredients from each dining hall and host a cooking show:
We just want this to happen because we are insanely curious as to what horrifying creation you guys can make. And if it will potentially become radioactive.
It’s been a hell of a semester, kids. We hope this article gave your crazed, sleep-deprived brains something to consider to check one more thing off your nonexistent lists. Lazy assholes.
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