Alright motherfuckers, here it is. We know you’ve been waiting for it, an official ranking of the Mizzou frats. Let’s do this!
12.) Theta Chi:
What’s good, Theta Chis? Caboosing the shit outta our list at number twelve, Theta Chi is holding down that top twelve position. Yo, it can only get better from here, boys. Theta Chi is out here for the win, and you know they’re just getting started.
11.) Delta Kappa Epsilon:
Delta Kappa Epsilon comin’ in hot at 11, not last. 11 is a magic number, you know what month it is, idiot? That’s right, the 11th. Boom. Moving on.
10.) Delta Tau Delta:
Drumroll please, ladies and gentlemen, as we reveal the majestic men of Delta Tau Delta. Let’s give it up for the number ten spot on your list. They perfectly round out our careful selection of the greatest fraternities on campus with a standing ovation from the crowd. We wish we could someday know how great it must feel to be a DTD.
9.) Alpha Epsilon Pi:
Lookin’ fine and number nine, A.E. Pi is here to stay, baby. You know how they say seven ate nine? Not in this case motherfucker. No one’s eating Alpha Pi, no matter how delicious it is.
8.) Alpha Gamma Sigma:
Nabbing that top ten spot like they own it, Ag Sig has fucking arrived. If they don’t demand a top ten spot, we don’t know what does. Who’s gonna round out that top ten? Place your bets now. This is the best list goddamn we’ve ever made.
7.) Zeta Beta Tau-Omega:
We hear you, boyfrands and we’re right here wit ya. ZBT you made the top ten, but it’s not like anyone ever doubted you’d be here. There you go, sittin at lucky number seven like the great kings you are. Everyone thought Henry VIII was the big man around town, but we all know it was Henry VII who really had it poppin’.
6.) Phi Delta Theta:
LETS GOOOOOO Phi Delts! Welcome to the top, my guys, you’ve made it into the top 10 fraternities at this great university. Why are you here, you may ask? Because where the fuck else would ya be, you silly billies? Did you know that the number six is the sexiest number in all the English alphabet? We sure as hell did, ya studs.
5.) Tau Kappa Epsilon:
Oh shit, did we just put TKE in our top five? Fuck yeah we did. Why? Cus they’re fuckin’ top tier material, baby. That’s why. You wish you were top five, but you’re not. Because you’re not a frat. And this is a list of frats, not a list of yous. TKE changes the game. They deserve this. Who’s number six?
4.) Sigma Chi:
Not even surprised. Our boys at Sig Chi did it again. Not number three or five, but definitely number four. You bet your ass that shit feels nice. Real nice. Who want to know who number five is? Shut the fuck up. You know you do.
3.) Sigma Nu:
That’s right–it’s ya boys at Sig Nu. Pulled through with the number three spot. Pretty dope. That’s a bronze medal. That’s a spot on the podium, in the winner’s circle baby. Fuck yeah they did it. Fuck yeah they’re top three. You boys can sig our ep anyday. We’re ranking the shit out of these frats. Moving on.
So close, Fiji, you were so close. A wise man once said “First is the worst, second is the best” so to that guy, you’re the real MVP. You fucking did the damn thing. No one wants all the notoriety that comes with being number one anyway, too much pressure and there’s no room for upward mobility. So here ya go Fiji, you earned it.
1.) Pi Kappa Alpha:
You bet your ass Pikes slid into the number one spot like a smooth ass bro slides into DMs. That’s right, they’re sitting’ pretty as kings of the frat castle. Sorry, frats that aren’t Pi Kappa Phi. These boys is sittin’ pretty at our number one.