Well Tigers, you are almost to the end of another shitty school year. We hope this year has been filled with poor drunk decisions made at Fieldhouse, but now you’re all free to go home and lick your wounds and stare at your barely functional GPA. However, for some of you, this shitshow of a year isn’t even over yet. One of the many wonders of Mizzou include the chance for out-of-state students to gain Mizzou in-state tuition by staying the summer and slaving away for minimum wage. Fear not freshman losers, we here at The Black Sheep have a few hacks for the requirements holding you hostage this summer.
7.) Give your friend your credit card when you sneak across the (Illinois) border:
You have to make a purchase every few days in order to prove you are still in this hellhole. But you met this wonderful ZBT bro at an end of the year party, and he lives just across the Illinois border. Surely the state of Missouri won’t miss you at all as long as your roommate Linda has your credit card. Nevermind the fact you signed your lease last minute with some random chick (Linda) and only have known her for maybe a week.
6.) Use your fake MO I.D. as proof of an MO driver’s license:
You’ve been too busy working a Fuzzy’s and suntanning on Brookside’s roof pool to actually get your shit together and do the things that will get your instate. Who gives a fuck about saving your parents’ money? You spent $30 bucks on a fake MO I.D. last August, and that will just have to do.
Know anyone at one of these schools?
Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!
Penn State – $300 Referral Bounty
Indiana – $300 Bounty
NC State – $300 Bounty
5.) Get married to a MO resident:
Much like getting a green card, this will surely get you immediate residency and make your mom cry tears of joy (if she’s an engineer). Walking across that faded, ugly shamrock outside of the engineer hall totally worked.
4.) Make your $2k by pickpocketing Summer Welcome students:
These kids don’t know what it’s like on the streets at Mizzou. Econ is a bitch for journalism students, Fieldhouse is subject to unjustified raids, Farmhouse is gone–well, actually that’s a good thing. Still, it’s a freakin’ jungle out there. These incoming freshmen will learn quickly not to hang out under the shadows of the columns too long. That’s where money hungry residency students, such as yourself, are waiting to make a move.
3.) Kill someone:
Hear us out: FREE HOUSING. You’re saving your parents even more money now. Mizzou students may not be a lot of things, but they sure are resourceful.
2.) Steal someone’s identity:
You don’t want to stay here. It sucks. The bars aren’t full with any kind of interesting people because everyone left, and you’re doomed to be alone for three months while all of the srat girls gear up for the one week of their lives that they’re relevant: recruitment. Don’t end up sad like them. We suggest stealing someone who is already a resident in MO’s identity. They did all the hard work already for you and like a true millennial, you have to take advantage of that.
1.) Buy Missouri:
Instead of spending your FAFSA money on Jello shots and sometimes school, put it to real use and buy Missouri. This isn’t just winning the game, it’s annihilating it. And who knows? Maybe you can make your sorority/fraternity letters the official new state flag. Your chapter would be so proud of you.
Whatever you decide to do this summer to gain your qualifications for residency, just remember one important thing to get you through this god awful time: at least you aren’t living in Kansas.
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