The Right Way to Accomplish Mizzou’s 7 Traditions

author-pic at University of Missouri  

If you attended, graduated, or currently go to Mizzou, you probably know about the seven Mizzou traditions on campus. Sure, most people achieve these deemed feats in the way they are traditionally said to be done, but that’s just too easy. If you’re going to do it, you need to do it the right way; the way where you’re destined to find yourself in the back of a police car, attempting to bribe an officer with free Hot Box cookies and a whole Untouchable pizza from Wise Guys. For all those law-defying delinquents out there, here’s the right way to accomplish the seven Mizzou Traditions:

7.) Streak the Quad:
The breeze between your knees is almost as rewarding as being tackled by a security guard in the nude while he’s trying to avoid the impending lawsuit that he’ll have to deal with. Play your cards right, and you’ll still be getting your degree and Paul Blart will be spending the next few years with the company of an anklet and a close relationship with his Netflix account…and his friend Jill…

6.) Climb Jesse Hall:
As if this task doesn’t seem impossible as is, this building is safeguarded by an overabundance of security cameras and donut-eating watch guards alike. If you’re feeling like a hard-ass, there’s always scaling the outside. Planking, parkouring, or Spider-manning your way to the top of Jesse is based on one’s personal preference, but whatever way you do it, make sure you have a method to get down; unless you have some brawny-ass legs and would endeavor jumping to your death upon being spotted.

5.) Scream, “I love Mizzou” at Speakers Circle:
Instead of one’s run-of-the-mill shouting “ I love Mizzou” in Speaker’s Circle, live a little. As the only place on campus to speak freely without repercussions, you better be proclaiming some vulgar statements. We’re talking all things crude and irrelevant to anyone passing by, such as, “I have a raging boner right now I can’t explain, but I’m feeling quite generous!”

4.) Explore the tunnels:
These tunnels run all throughout the underground Mizzou campus. Whether you’re anti-social, don’t want to deal with the weather, or want to beat the line for Dobb’s Wok, these tunnels have you covered. Make sure not to get lost on your travels, or you’ll be spending your time much like Indiana Jones in Raider’s of the Lost Ark–watch those creepy crawlies.

3.) Swim in Brady Fountain:
The fountain that seems to be highly accessible as it lies right in the middle of campus with passerby’s every second of the day, entering this fountain is much like finessing your way into the White House. If you do however succeed to get into the fountain, you rip those clothes off, try adjusting to the frigid water, give in to pissing uncontrollably, and invite the homies for some recreational play in the kiddie pool.

2.) Kiss the 50-yard line of Faurot Field:
We all know that managing this feat in itself is hard enough, but if you can manage to get onto the field, daylight or nightfall, do it BIG. You heard us… You’re going to be doing a lot more than some minor kissing. We’re talking bring your favorite FWB to be your co-conspirator in the act in general, and once you get to the field, you GET. IT. ON. Let’s just say, someone’s scoring a touchdown.

1.) Ride the Tiger:
There’s nothing like finally getting to ride that pussy that you’ve seen nearly every day for four years. Sitting there, it’s majestic stature, yet ever-so stone cold to the core; Mr. Whisker’s needs some lovin’. Jump on that kitty and put down everything your momma gave you. The moment is yours – take it.