It’s 12:30 a.m. at The FieldHouse and you’re three long islands deep. Oh my god, Becky, is that Chris? It’s Chris. The love of your life, wearing a backwards hat and Chaco’s. There’s a flock of girls around your potential bae, no time to waste, here’s how to make your move when you see your crush at the MIZ bars.
7.) Scope out the target:
Find every girl that’s above a solid 6 and politely whisper in her ear, “Honey, I think you’re leaking.” They’ll be mortified (and appreciative) as they shuffle to the bathroom wishing for emergency tampons. This now leaves you with Chris, his friends, and the DUFFs that didn’t pose a threat. Suddenly you’re gorgeous.
6.) Fix yourself:
The windblown hair look is proven irresistible, so whip your head back and forth a few times (don’t hit anyone). Next, put your sunglasses on—yes, it’s dark in there, but this will definitely make him think you’re a celebrity or something. Finally, pull out your compact mirror and draw thick circles around your mouth, can’t go over there feeling like a 2008 Kylie Jenner. You are a Lip Kit Kylie, and don’t ever think otherwise.
5.) Approach the target:
Call him Brian. He’ll think you don’t care about him, and you’ll instantly be more desirable. If this doesn’t work, take one of the boy’s drinks and slowly pour it on yourself—your skin will glisten like the goddess you are, and his friend will absolutely start making out with you, no introductions needed. Meanwhile, Chris will think you two have some cosmic connection and he’ll totally want in on it (threesome?).
4.) Take it to extremes:
Stomp your wedges into his toe and then knee him in the balls. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry, someone bumped into me!” He will heel over in agony, but still be interested in you because part of your body just grazed his balls. Trust us, it works.
3.) Turn it up a notch:
Take a few sips then pull him onto the dance floor. The music’s bumpin’, slutty girls are dancing everywhere, and you cannot afford to be upstaged right now. Throw your hands on the ground, face down, ass up, make it clap like you work for Club Vogue. People are only staring cause they’re jealous.
2.) Don’t let him get away:
This is a side to you he’s never seen in Spanish class. Thus, it’s normal for him to be a little taken aback. Time to impress him. Physically push anyone who is on the dance floor to clear way for your center stage. Hike up your skirt, pop your tits out, and crawl on the floor like the sexy lioness you are—throw the sunglasses back on for an extra effect.
1.) Seal the deal:
Give him a lil’ crotch grab and whisper in his ear that you’re dying to try anal; you’ll have the lucky bastard eating out of the palm of your hand, or wherever, in no time.
And that, Tigers, is how it’s done.