Game days in CoMo are just around the corner and a force to be reckoned with. They’re filled with boozing, eating, and of course, shit talking the opposing team. Tigers love game day, but the fun falters a bit when the actual football game starts and alcohol is prohibited in the stadium. Don’t fret, The Black Sheep is here to share 7 simple ways for you to sneak booze into Faurot Field next game day.
7.) Throw bird seed at the front gates of the stadium:
Simultaneously, release a flock of 100+ chickens from a nearby van. While the officials at the gate are distracted, squat down to the ground and slowly approach the front gate. When you get close to a ticket collector, use the back of your hand to slap one side of their face and yell, “What’s with all the chickens?!” In the ticket collectors dazed and confused state, run through the gate with your favorite game time beverage.
6.) Go to your local Walmart Express on campus:
Push on the front door until you realize that Walmart Express has closed forever, then use the front facing camera on your phone to send an angry Snapchat about the stores closing. Post it to your story. Within the next twenty-four hours, drive to the next closest Walmart and purchase 3 coconuts. Show your Snap story from earlier to the cashier because according to the Walmart ledger, “Any customer buying produce and publicly shaming Walmart can have the food free of charge.” Use this to your advantage. Bring the nuts to the front gate on game day. Find the most elderly ticket collector and approach. Claim you have found the footballs for today’s football game and they need them right away. While the ticket collector thinks about the offer, slip one of the nuts into their hands and say, “I have two more with me for later.” Slowly slip through the gate and enjoy the coconuts full of Pina Colada.
5.) Join the Mizzou football team:
Train until your muscles have muscles and coach Barry Odom has no choice but to have you be second string for the team. On game day, while you aren’t supposed to drink and play football, pay the water boy to exchange your water bottle for a bottle of vodka. When it’s your turn to play QB, close your eyes and hope it goes forward.
4.) Begin to balance baskets and bricks on your head:
Begin by placing one brick on your head at the start of the month and increase the number of bricks by one each day for 20 days. When you have gained the neck strength to carry 20 bricks, go to a local rodeo shop. Buy a ten-gallon hat from a small locally owned shop. Insert about 3 quarts of your favorite beverage into the hat then seal with duct tape. Hold the hat next to your waist while entering the stadium and no one will be the wiser. Take out a pointed bendy straw, break the duct tape seal, and go to town.
3.) Become a plumber for the city of Columbia:
Find the schematics of Memorial Stadium. Go underground until you reach a pipe for a water fountain. Switch the water main pipe with a keg of beer or something darker than water. When once again above ground, put up a sign near the water fountain saying, “Toxic Sludge, Do NOT Drink.” On game day, walk in proud knowing you’ll be guarding a toxic water fountain and proud to be a soon drunk plumber.
2.) Pre-game several hours straight before the game and hold 2 shots worth of your favorite drink in your mouth:
Do not make small talk with the ticket collector, take two hundred dollars, and pass GO because you snuck some righteous beverage into Memorial Stadium.
1.) Learn to enjoy football for the sport it is:
You don’t need alcohol to have fun; get hyped by Truman, get a free T-Shirt, keep telling yourself you don’t wish you were toasted right now.
So let the booze flow on, and don’t let a silly thing like the rules get in your way from celebrating game day like any true Tiger would: dranking that drank.