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Local Freshman Been Sucking A USB Drive This Whole Time

College freshman Mark Bowen shocked the entire campus community after revealing he’s been sucking on a USB drive instead of a JUUL in what seemed like an elaborate attempt to fit in as part of some elaborate scheme.

“I wanted to look like a space cowboy, just like everyone else, but I was afraid to get addicted to it,” Bowen said. “You don’t know what’s in those things and you don’t know where it’s been. This USB drive is only a little piece of metal produced in a dirty factory, that’s only been in my computer I’ve thrown around on sheets I haven’t washed all year.”  

Although Bowen refuses to take part in a possible nicotine addiction from a JUUL, he intends to continue getting drunk 5 days a week.

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