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‘Thank You For Vowing To Go 40 Days Without Netflix!’ by Jesus H. Christ

Once–many, many years ago–I traveled 40 days and 40 nights in the desert, without food and water (Google Maps wasn’t a thing back then kids, ha ha), and for that same period of time in the year 2018 of Our Lord and Savior (me), you, Becky, have decided to forgo the popular streaming service, Netflix.

Becky, from the bottom of my bottomless heart, to the ends of this endless universe, let me tell you something–you’re truly making the ultimate sacrifice here.

Sure, you’ve never done this whole “Lent thing” before (couldn’t help overhearing you confess to Lauren and Jess in the library–what can I say, I’m always in your heart (and ears)!), but you want to give up Netflix because you’d like to refrain from things like being a “lard ass” and “watching That 70’s Show for the sixth fucking time.”

Your words, not mine! 

Now, I may not know a whole lot about “binge-watching” (I’m more into fasting myself, ha ha), but it sounds like you’ve decided to really make some big changes in your life. 

Deep down in your heart, I knew you knew that Marlon Wayans: Woke-ish debuts on Netflix during the Lent season–your 2013 tweet, “OMG seriously dying at White Chicks. Can’t believe two blacks dudes dressed up in whiteface to do this lol,” was what I assumed was a proclamation of your love for Wayans–but, as an unselfish, kind, and loving individual that you are, you knew you could go 40 days without it.

Plus, you told Lauren and Jess that giving up Netflix didn’t mean that you had to give up Amazon Prime, Hulu, Plex, Showtime, HBO Go, Starz, Cinemax, Sling, or YouTube, not to mention you gave yourself the option of being able to watch Netflix if and only if you were having a bad day on Fridays and/or you were too hungover to go to class during the week.

Hey, realizing you have compromise and options are the first steps toward salvation!   

You think I had to hide behind that big slab of rock for three days after I had my limbs nailed into a large block of wood? Nope–I wanted to go back out and hike with my boys John and Andrew up to Mount Sinai as soon as the bad guys put me in there. (Though I may have stayed for four or five days had Netflix been around, ha ha!) But, me being Jesus and all, I knew that by staying behind that rock that it would increase my following toward compassion and love by the hundreds of thousands. 

But not as many as you have on Instagram now, huh Becky? Ha ha! But really, Becky, who knows? Maybe after all suffering, you’ll want to give up Hulu, too. 

Now that’s starting to sound a bit like somone who sits at the right hand of the Father. Bingo–that’s me. 

Peace be with during this Lenten season, Becky! I’ll be watching you not watching Netflix–that is, of course, if you don’t wake up too hungover one of these days!

All my love, 
Jesus H. Christ 

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