It’s been four years since you were on your couch wondering what would make February go any faster and now it’s finally back: the Winter Olympics. It’s time to kiss your seasonal depression goodbye and say hello to sports you thought only existed on snow days. Let’s get this opening ceremony drinking game underway!
- What you’ll need:
- Alcohol that makes fireworks and cute Olympic mascot a hell of a lot trippier
- A tolerance of commentators who mispronounce country names
- Tissues for tears when you see countries with one athlete
Oh beautiful, for spacious sk—wrong song, kid! Drain your U.S. patriotism down the tube because it’s time for the South Korean national anthem. Everyone, sing along! 동해물과 백두산이 마르고 닳도록 하느님이 보우하사 우리나라 만세. A little lost? Take two (2) drinks.
Leading off the parade will be Albania, a former home to communism and the 37th-ranked country in terms life expectancy. OMG IS THAT ERJON TOLA, THE 35TH-PLACE WINNER OF THE 2006 WINTER OLYMPICS’ MEN’S GIANT SLALOM?? It sure is. Take one (1) drink.
Oh. Hot. Damn. __(insert current country just announced here)__ just walked out in some slick af gear and all their athletes are so goddamn attractive. Take one (1) drink for every athlete you’d like to “finger” skate with and/or get biathl“on” top of.
Burrrrr! It’s a cold one in Pyeongchang, with temperatures hanging around 7 degrees Fahrenheit. Every time the temperature is mentioned, take one (1) drink. If the temperature is mentioned in CELSIUS, take two (2) drinks and scream, “DOWN WITH THE METRIC SYSTEM!”
Uh, oh. The host city of the Olympics (Pyeongchang) is just a few hundred miles away from North Korea, a country who will one day enslave us all (and has a city called Pyongyang). Take two (2) drinks every time North Korea is brought up on the telecast.
DOVES! They just let them out of the cage as a symbol of peace, and now they’re just shitting all over the place. Take two (2) drinks. Also, there’s no “real” difference between a dove and a pigeon besides color. Take three (3) drinks for being an ignorant son of a bitch.
The Olympic flag has been raised. Finally! Now onto the men in tights during the Nordic combined <3. If you can’t keep your excitement to your pants, leave the room and take one (1) drink. If everyone’s cool with you not keeping it in your pants, finish your drink.
Looks like someone didn’t hear about the no-lighter policy! In celebration of the Olympic torch lighting, take four (4) drinks and get a little lit yourself. If the flame singes the torch bearer’s eyebrows, finish your drink.
Awww! Meet Soohorang, this year’s Olympic mascot. The little guy is “a trustworthy friend who protects the athletes, spectators and all the participants,” so don’t fuck with him and get on his bad side. Take three (3) drinks when you see the real-life Soohorang!
- There’s mention of “peace” in an otherwise violent world
- The artistic performance has overt social commentary
- The camera pans to Kim Jong Un’s sister
- “Olympic Fanfare” plays
- You try to figure out what time it is in South Korea
FINISH YOUR DRINK EVERY TIME YOU GENUINELY RECOGNIZE AN ATHLETE.
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