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We Finally “Queer-Eyed” Bowser, And Now He’s a Goddamn Gentleman

The latest eight episodes of Netflix’s Queer Eye reboot are inspirational, heartfelt and wildly entertaining — the smartly cast Fab Five team rarely disappoint. Overall, the season focuses on physical and mental self-care, both skills that Bowser, Nintendo’s classic villain, tragically lacks. The Black Sheep Six stormed the castle last week to Queer Eye the spikey monster, and now he’s a fucking gentleman!

Step one — Cracking his hard shell: 
We arrived at Bowser’s Castle early Monday morning, excited for a week of growth. Bowser answered the door and showed us around the castle, which was covered in various balls of fire and lava, unidentifiable bones and protein bar wrappers. “I’m not home that often,” Bowser explained, embarrassed. “Things get busy with work. You know how it is.”

After the castle tour, we sat down with Bowser and had a candid conversation about his goals for the week.

“Aesthetically, I would love some new clothes. I’ve pretty much worn the same thing every day since 1985, and I’m totally down to shake things up a bit. Emotionally, I could use a lot of help. I’m an angry dude. I have a lot of pent up emotions that tend to be inappropriately released. I’m really open and excited for change.”

Step two — Trimming his nasty nails: 
Before Queer Eye-ing Bowser internally, The Black Sheep Six had to tackle the external. Armed with a wagon full of hedge clippers and a family of starving Icelandic mountain sheep, we were able to cut those terrifying claws down to socially acceptable nubs.

“I feel like a completely different monster!” exclaimed Bowser, as he admired his paws in the mirror. “Wow. You know, it’s really those little changes that can really make a big difference.”

Next, we sent Bowser to a nearby J.Crew for a complete wardrobe update. After his shell spikes pierced through the third cashmere sweater, however, The Black Sheep Six decided to custom sew a formal suit and slacks. After sliding the new suit jacket over his horns, Bowser became emotional.

“I’ve secretly always wanted to wear overalls, like those fuckass plumbers, but I’ve never been able to find any that fit my particularly thiccc monster body,” he sobbed. “This is better than anything I could ever imagine!”

Step three — Shutting down the very problematic lair where he stores Peach:
During the renovation of Bowser’s Castle, The Black Sheep Six came across a lair where Princess Peach is frequently held hostage. When confronted about the lair, Bowser became defensive. “It’s not what it looks like! I’ve had this whole thing with Mario for years. It’s not even that malicious any more; at this point, it’s pretty much a sex thing for all of us!”

The Black Sheep Six sat Bowser down on a pile of Koopa Carcasses and patiently explained that kidnapping women is illegal. Bowser was shocked.

“I had no idea. I’ve been doing this for years. I’m ashamed. I will do better.”

Step four — From dangerous to dapper!:
The transformed monster emerged from his Koopa Clown Car and opened the gate to his renovated castle. “Oh my god, you GUYS!” Bowser squealed as he admired a blood red accent wall and framed Bowser Family photographs. “I LOVE this! Is this really the same Death Castle? I don’t even recognize it! Look at these curtains — ohmygod!”

After modeling his special suit and nail stubs, Bowser announced he had a special surprise for The Black Sheep Six.

“You six have taught me so much this past week. A few days ago, I was extremely dangerous and scary. Now, I have a new outlook on life! So, please, sit down, mi casa es su casa, and let me make you all some delicious homemade Yoshi Sushi!”

“Bowser seems way healthier, so that’s good,” said Princess Peach after the transformation. “I guess I’ll just have to teach vanilla-ass Mario how to use the handcuffs.”

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