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Quick! Read This So You Don’t Have to Talk With Another Person at This Party

Phew, that was close! You almost made eye contact with someone you did a group project with and/or had to start a conversation with someone you’ve only spoken to while sober. 

Jesus Christ, could you’ve imagined that? At least five fucking minutes of you making small talk about the weather, or on-campus construction on your walk to class, or even how crappy this Natty Light is, but hey, you’re in college, so you can’t complain about free beer!

What a goddamn drag. We’re sorry. We’re truly sorry.  

Well, you’re here now, you’re safe, and you can take a break from the party by reading this until you get to the end. And hell, if he/she is still lurking around you trying to get your attention, you can scroll up to the top of the article and reread this sucker. We can’t promise you anything will change if you refresh the page, but it’ll definitely look like you’re making plans for the rest of the night.

Now that you’re here, what do you want to read about?

Cool, so we went ahead and did a Google image search of “Steve Harvey” for you, but only selected the “clip art” option in our search settings.

Here’s the ninth result from that search:

That’s not Steve Harvey now, is it? That’s not even clip art. That’s Atlanta-based rapper, T.I, who once sang, “Bootlegger Bashin’ Part 5.”

Well, shit, after all that hard work, we’re a little bored now. And a little thirsty. You’re at a party, right? What’re you drinking? Can we come?

We’ve got a sixer of ice cold IPAs sitting in the fridge. It’s from New England, and the hops from last year’s harvest are some of the best on record. We heard you love that shit! We can bring those if you want.

It’s cool if we can’t come but just thought we’d give it a shot.

You don’t have to ignore us, man.

Hey, did that person come back to try and start another conversation with you? You know what? Maybe you should just give them a shot and talk to them. What’ve you got to lose? They’re probably just as bored as you are, and if they saw this article when they saw you, they’d be reading it too.

You know what? Just show them this shit. What a good icebreaker, honestly. Hey, I was trying to avoid talking to you, and this article told me to avoid talking with you, and I think you might think it’s funny. Wow, seriously, that’s pretty funny. We’re hooting and hollering over here just thinking abo—

Hey, we saw that. Don’t switch tabs on us. Don’t go to Twitter. No one’s texting you.

Why are you on the App Store at a party?

Please don’t close out of this. You need us. Remember when we saved you from that awkward conversation? And, what, now you’re just going to leave like that?

WOW. You know what? You’re kind of being a little bitch. If you want to go, just go. We were perfectly fine without you here, minding our own business, doing bunches of Google image searches for fun while drinking some ice cool IPAs. 

Have a great party. Thanks for the invite. Really hope that creep talks the shit out of your ear. 

Hey dummy, listen (AND SUBSCRIBE) to our podcast!

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