4 Recommend Audiobooks to Listen to Post-Coitus

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A slow drag of a cigarette. A bite of leftover pizza. A run to the bathroom because your mother installed a healthy fear of urinary tract infections. These are a few things people like to do after making love. It’s time to add one more to that list. So, while there is ample choice of music to set the mood of seduction, there must also be careful thought of what to play after the woo hoo has whoo hoo’ed. The last two to ten minutes were about the body; now it’s time to focus on the mind. Pop in one of these four recommended audiobooks and settle in for a sensual ten hours of storytelling with your partner. 

Note: The following have been chosen for their diverse expressions of sensuality. Once could call this a “sensuality spectrum,” which would be apt considering society does not have enough spectrums to conversationally point out right now.

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling, Narrated by Jim Dale:

Jim Dale won a Grammy Award for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, although any of the series will certainly set a precedence that your bed is magical no matter the time of day. Snuggle up next to your muggle babe and weep openly when Cedric Diggory dies. It’s important to show that you are more than a sex machine. You are soulful and introspective. There is also an overwhelming opportunity for sexual double entendre, such as: “You’re good with a wand,” “Oh, I thought Moaning Myrtle only stayed in the girl’s bathroom!” Important: now is the perfect time to ask what house they would be in. Kick out anyone whose answer makes you hate them (Hufflepuff).

The Girls: A Novel by Emma Cline, Narrated by Cady McClain:

The Girls is this year’s Girl on the Train. Get that? This is your sexy LL Cool J way of saying that you keep up with book trends. That’s hot. Follow Evie as she is drawn into a carefree, 1969 summer of following a Charles Manson-esque cult. Probably best to play this when you feel like you need some psychological insight into your bedfellow. Look into their eyes with a penetrating stare and ask what needs to be known: Would you ever join a murderous cult?

 Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg, Narrated by Elisa Donovan:

Does your lover think that you only exist at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night? WRONG. As Britney Spears aptly notes, “You better work, bitch.” You’re a go-getter! You have a LinkedIn! You’re a shooting star of a human being, soaring up the corporate ladder with everything to gain and zero fucks to lose. So this is the book to play when you mean business. LEAN THE FUCK IN.

The Shining by Stephen King, Narrated by Campbell Scott:

If the person you’ve sha-la-la’ed with is new, you might be thinking this is a fresh start. And that’s just what Jack Fucking Torrance thought when he started his new job at the Overlook Hotel. As winter sets in, the beautiful property begins to feel isolating and sinister. You don’t have a five-year-old Danny to whisper “Redrum” through the identity of his pointer finger named Tony. You only have your paranoid mind, shocked to realize that this person you projected perfectionism on is only a human being. The horror!

Imagine your sexual partner a week after the the sex. They flip past Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on ABC Family. They scroll past a picture of Jack Nicholson’s man boobs on a yacht on Instagram. Their first thought will be of you. An audiobook is the perfect way to break the post-coitus ice this school year. The only thing left to do is press play.

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