You’ve spent far too much time trying to pull off the greatest dupe since Trump got a bunch of poor white people to think he’s their savior, but that didn’t work and you’ve since dropped out. Bu hey, you’re still on campus and realize you have to figure out how to kill time given that you have a surplus of it now.
Sit in on lectures you find interesting:
Hey, just because you don’t go here anymore doesn’t mean you can’t get your learn on. Whether you love economics, plan on getting your life back on track with an accounting degree, or hope to get laid in human sexuality, try a few lectures, no one will stop you!
Try to go to the Student Rec, get denied, as you’re no longer an active student:
It’s 2017, time to get fit. That’s the spirit! Put on some sweats and lumber on over to the rec. Wait, what? You were denied because you’re not currently enrolled? But…but…but…! Well, Maury is on in 15 minutes, if you hustle back, you’ll know who the father is.
Stare longingly out the window at campus:
THAT CRUEL MISTRESS! You long for her loving embrace, but she tempts you so coyly. One day you will be inside her, one day. (That day is after 2 years in community college and a long conversation with your parents about second chances.)
Sneak into the dining hall to sate your hunger:
No work, no school, no food, but plenty of hunger. A hamburger chilling out under a heat lamp never sounded so good
Hey dude, everybody does it. Don’t even play.
Reconnect with that high school friend you ignored over break:
You saw Kevin from across the room at Terry’s New Year’s Eve bash, so you popped outside for a quick smoke just so you didn’t have to talk to him again about that time in Mrs. Wolther’s class. Now you guys are kinda on the same level, dude. Maybe he wants to meet up to roast a jay and play some Halo.
Work as a bartender:
Soon you’ll have a chance to hang out with all those cute co-eds even though you’re no longer one of their academic peers. And hey, they may only be flirting with you because you’re feeding them free shots, but this is the only human interaction you’ve had the last month outside of smokin’ with Kevin, so you’ll take what you can get.
Get real fat:
Now that you’re drinking and smoking every day, binging on shit caf food, and don’t have access to a gym. But hey, at least you’ll have plenty of money to buy some new pants at Sears!
Lie to your parents:
The forgiveness comes later, specifically after your lease us up and they’re done giving you rent money. Now is the time for lies about friends you’re making in class and midterms you’re acing.
Lie to yourself:
And then, you’ll get back into the stream of things next year, you just know it. This is just a bump in the road. It happens to everyone. Mark Zuckerberg didn’t even graduate college, and he’s a freakin’ billionaire! You’ll be fine, right? RIGHT?
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