Schools make millions of dollars off of their college football programs without paying the players a single cent. And that’s totally fair because an athlete’s education and time playing college sports is simply priceless. Certainly administrations are enjoying their golden toilets, however there’s always room to make more money. Hey, most students will be paying off their debt when they’re in heaven anyway. Athletic departments and administrations please take note.
6.) Cut a lock of their hair while they’re sleeping and sell it:
Get the waterboy to sneak into the luxury apartments on campus where you house the college football players. Give the poor boy a scissors and make sure he gets the golden locks of the lineman, since you can see his hair flowing out of the helmet. Get away with selling that hair on a Free & For Sale Facebook page and get a good hundred bucks out of it. There’s a set of season tickets right there.
5.) Keep the money you’re paying them under the table:
The better football players on the team get paid under the table by the athletic department, there’s no question about that. However, rules are rules, so technically you don’t even have to be paying them under any table. Turn that table on the players and keep the money yourself. Who are they going to tell? The Athletic Director? Hey! That’s you!
4.) Sell their butt-sweat stained mopeds:
For some reason, athletic departments feel the need to gift the football players with mopeds. Mopeds seem to only be driven by college football players and people with mid-life crises. These athletes are more than capable of walking around campus, heck we see them run up and down a field once a week! Go ahead and sell their ass-sweat stained mopeds to that 40-year-old booster who’s helping to sweep all those scandals under the rug.
3.) Bottle their sweat and sell it as water:
At many stadiums, they sell bottles of Dasani water to fans, even though most fans can just go to the water fountain for free water. Buying branded water can be expensive for an athletic department. So, we recommend collecting every college football player’s sweat after a game, and bottle it right up. You can sell the bottle of sweat for $10 a piece, so who cares if it’s drinkable?
2.) Sell the Nike-branded uniforms of people who ride the bench:
What’s more authentic than a game-worn uniform? For some reason, there seems to be 200 guys on a college football team, even though only 11 play at one time. The rest are just standing around wasting scholarship money, and will never play a second on the field. The athletic department might as well make money off of employees who don’t contribute anything by selling the jerseys to hardcore fans.
1.) Sell their communications degrees:
If a college football player is unfortunate enough to stay on campus all four years after no being drafted into the big leagues, it means they’re forced to graduate and do some schoolwork. Most of the athletes will become gym teachers and Little League coaches, so they won’t be using their degrees for what they’re actually worth. Sell the degrees to people who are unemployed, or better yet, sell them online since they’re just worthless pieces of paper anyway.
The extra cash schools can make from these tactics will surely pay off when the NCAA sanctions come in. All that matters is the administration have enough money to build that new, total necessary college football stadium.
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