With finals quickly approaching and winter break close behind, you may start to feel a familiar sensation. No that’s not the caffeine from your pumpkin-spice lattes wearing off nor is it the Christmas spirit bum-rushing your body. That sensation is in fact the realization that you’re going to fail. And not just fail slightly. Oh, no. You’re in for a an entire finals week of failure. In fact, you’re parents may disown you after this semester. Ours already have so don’t feel too bad.
With that being said, why not be a normal human being and try to drown your emotions. How do you drown them, you ask? Jump in a swimming pool? Take an extended shower? How about filling your body with copious amounts of alcohol? That’s what we do so you should too. What type of alcohol you ask? Well here’s a convenient list for you to follow depending on your degree of failure!
5.) Mike’s Hard Lemonade:
Let’s start off with something extreme. Nothing quiets the emotions quite like a cold, refreshing bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. What flavor? Doesn’t matter. It’s all alcohol. The great thing about Mike’s is that it make you feel like a kid again with no worries in the world. When you failed as a kid, you just got back up and kept trucking along. Once you’re an adult, that’s it. You fall and the world proceeds to curb stomp you. So why not relive the rainbows and unicorns that was childhood and drink a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. A drink that says “Hey, I’m an adult, but don’t enjoy the taste of real alcohol.”
4.) A Malibu Bay Breeze:
Why not escape for a few fleeting moments to an island paradise and forget that you suck? Simply take a sip of a Malibu Bay Breeze and you’ll be transported to tropical paradise of Hawaii. Just not the nice part of Hawaii. The seedy part of Hawaii where everyone is addicted to meth. Smell the slat air and feel the ocean breeze all while trying to drown out any sense that you’re failing your Intro to Economics class. Who needs numbers when you have parrots and shit?
3. A Cosmopolitan:
Sit back and enjoy an episode of Sex and The City while you sip on your Cosmo. Nothing makes you forget about the fact that you’re future is filled with inevitable failure like a mixture of Sarah Jessica Parker and vodka mixed with triple sec and cranberry juice. The drink just sounds fancy. Like you should be wearing a top hat and monocle looking like the Monopoly man to drink it. There’s no better way to pretend like you’re not a failure than by playing pretend. You can be anything you want. An astronaut. A cowboy. A doctor. Basically anything. This drink just covers up the fact that you’re literally a failure in reality.
2. Mint Julep:
Want to feel like all your successful friends? Then throw on your most ridiculous outfit, complete with an over-the- top hat, and forget that you’re parents hate you. Who needs good grades when you can watch horses run around in a circle for hours at a time? Just start pounding mint juleps like you make $300,000- a-year and before you know it you’ll be running away from your mistakes and failures faster than Sea Biscuit. Remember theres nothing better than drinking a sporting events signature drink in the comfort of your parent’s basement.
Alright, enough fooling around with lightweight booze. Time to separate the boys from the men and put some hair on your chest. Nothing gets the party started like a 48 pack of O’Doul’s nonalcoholic beer. You know why you need O’Doul’s? Because it’s refreshing. It’s the best alcohol to drown your inevitable failure with because it will ensure that you do your work and don’t fail. So start knocking them back because it’s basically water in a glass bottle. It’s all the joys of beer but with none of the regret! So get off your ass you loser and instead of trying to drown your failures why not give them a pair of floaties and go swim the 100m freestyle.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: