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5 Signs This Semester at UNC is Already Converting You to a Life of Shame

Some try to act like UNC is a place of growth, and #thrivingatcarolina, but deep down, we all know the truth: the undergraduate experience is a long, drawn-out transformation of thousands of bright-eyed, ambitious 18-year-olds into sleep-deprived half-grown people with trash diets and fragile souls. Second semester is a classic time to landslide, and a week in, look out for these 5 signs of mental deterioration as you trudge your way through the next four months.

5.) You embark on a path of petty crime stealing eating utensils from Lenoir:

You’ve always considered yourself to be a good person. You volunteer, watch the news, buy your mom flowers… and until UNC, you didn’t steal. But damn, the dining hall silverware is just so accessible! You always forget to bring forks with you to school, and you need to eat your Easy Mac with something! First it was the forks, then knives and spoons, and soon enough, those strangely alluring plastic black mugs. Now you smuggle spaghetti into your dorm by the bucketful, save M&M cookies in your cheek like a chipmunk, and live on the edge by storing your milk exclusively in to-go cups. Once it was all in good fun. Now, you don’t know if you could stop if you wanted to.

4.) You actually stop and listen to a PPreacher:

Everyone is guilty of this. But dammit people, you know this is a rabbit hole! If you listen to these guys, you will either:

-Inevitably hear something you are offended by and leave upset.

-Waste a good ten minutes listening to a predictable speech.

Or…

Get drawn in to try to make your own points, making you just as bad as the rambling dude you’re arguing with. You can do better!

3.) You develop the sleep schedule of an anxiety-ridden vampire:

It’s not your fault that you pull these all-nighters; it’s UNC’s fault for keeping the UL open 24 hours a day. The university, and all of the organizations surrounding it, are enablers. Why does Insomnia make it so easy to have junk food delivered to you at 3 a.m., huh? And considering that, why are 8 a.m. classes even an option? We don’t have the willpower to make responsible choices when faced with all of these temptations. The fact that there are always at least three people napping in the UL is proof that it’s not a personal problem.

2.) You distract from your problems by drowning yourself in memes:

Everyone loves the “UNC Memes for National Championship Teens” page, but what we won’t acknowledge is that we may love it too much. We can easily tag ourselves as what library we are, but just because you relate to the description for Davis doesn’t mean you’ve ever stepped foot inside of the building. And STEM and humanities majors put so much time into roasting each other on Facebook the workloads they complain about just keep on piling up. Laugh through the pain, friends, but don’t expect it to go away.

1.) You start worshipping a group of men your own age:

Even if you don’t care about basketball coming into Carolina, you will inevitably find yourself star-struck by our team. You thought you had dignity, until Luke Maye walked by you the other day, and you almost pissed yourself. It’s hard to say if the Heels are actually as charismatic as you think, or if you’re just looking for heroes anywhere you can find them, but all you know is: if Joel Berry asked you to kill someone, you’d do it.

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