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The 5 Times the Pit is the Worst Place to be at UNC

You’ve all heard UNC tour guides tell prospective students that “the Pit is the center of student life at UNC!” And sure, the Pit can be a great place to get free pizza or some cool swag, but sometimes… the Pit is the worst place on campus to be. Here are 5 of those times.

5.) During Student Government campaigns:

When you can’t walk through the Pit without hitting a sandwich board telling you to “vote for Claudia for student body president!”, just run away. Soon you’ll be bombarded by throngs of people offering you candy, free stuff, anything to get you to vote for their candidate. And you can try to avoid them with headphones, sunglasses, even pretending you don’t understand the English language, but don’t count on it helping. If you’re deaf, they know sign language! If you’re blind, they have their message ready in Braille. The only way to escape their incessant campaigning is to plot a course that avoids the Pit altogether.

4.) During the beginning and end of the semester:

At the beginning of the semester, the Pit is full of people trying to get you to join their club or frat. But the worst is the a cappella groups. Every group from the Loreleis to the Clef Hangers will attempt to get you to join their group through the magnetic power of their voices, which can draw in even those who hate music. You’ll attempt to leave, but their charming voices and the ability of that one guy to do a scarily accurate imitation of a trumpet keep you from fleeing. Fortunately, the application period will end, the auditions will happen, and the groups will return to their Pitch Perfect-like universe. Until the end of the semester. How else are they supposed to get you to come to their concerts?  

3.) When Gary the Pit Preacher is there:

Just when you think the Pit will finally be a peaceful place to hang out, you hear a loud voice coming from a folding chair in the center of the Pit. “Every one of y’all is going to Hell, ya hear!” screams Gary the Pit Preacher. A crowd begins to grow. A freshman decides to debate with Gary, because he’s taken one philosophy course and feels experienced enough to debate complex theological issues. “How do you know God exists?! You know Nietzsche says “God is dead!” You would be more at peace standing in a room full of Duke students while wearing UNC garb than sitting in the Pit when Gary’s there.  

2.) When it’s raining:

Unless you were looking to fulfill your LFIT through swimming, the Pit is unusable during a torrential downpour. You either have to wade through the enormous puddles around the Pit, or pull out your snorkeling gear to dive into the pond that was once the Pit. Everyone is miserable, and because this is North Carolina’s unpredictable weather, the rain will turn into a blizzard that deposits 10 inches of snow in one day. 

1.) Right before you need to go to class:

Of course, all of these problems become even worse if you have to get to class. Eventually, there will be a day where it will be pouring down rain, and various student groups will be scattered around the Pit, holding their dripping posters advertising various candidates to vote for or showcases to attend. As everyone stands miserably in the rain, the sound of Gary the Pit Preacher will echo throughout the Pit, reminding everyone that you and everyone you know will be going to Hell. You block your ears to avoid the siren-like call of the Loreleis, and run as fast as you can to avoid all of the student campaigners. You ignore the freshman arguing with Gary about gay people, and narrowly run through the obstacle course of 10-feet deep puddles scattered around the Pit. As you rush to get to Bio 101, you’ll remind yourself that UNC was once your dream school.

 

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