Booze Review: Four Loko Green Tornado Shots
Your parents probably thought that 2017 would be the year of flying cars, but instead we’ve got a megalomaniac serving as the leader of the free world and we’re taking shots of Four Loko Green Tornado. We’ve superseded traditional beverage flavors, and we’re now drinking goddamn natural disasters.
A green apple that’s been left on the stove of a trap house.
Your internal organs find themselves in the eye of a tornado and FEMA’s not coming anytime soon to save you, surprisingly.
– People who do not heed government official’s advice to evacuate their homes.
– Four Loko enthusiasts who are all about efficiency.
– Your dad, who just learned about memes and the dab.
– People who are still amused by what it sounds like when you hold your tongue and say “apple.”
– That one kid from your high school who cheated on the ACT and still managed to somehow only score a 15.
– “’Because no great night started with cider?’ More like ‘no train wreck of a night has started with anything other than Four Loko.’”
– “Oh jeez, I feel my life expectancy going down just at the thought of this abomination.”
– “See, back in my day we had to shotgun Four Lokos…you kids don’t know how good you have it.”
– “Ok but how did they bottle up an actual tornado? Has science gone too far?”
Best Described as a Drink Superior To:
Licking the floors of a gas station bathroom, but that’s probably where you’ll end up after drinking this.
What’s Four Loko Going To Do Next?:
The next logical step seems to be to start injecting a Four Loko formula directly into people’s DNA.
In All Seriousness, What Are We Going To Do About North Korea?:
We’ve devised a plan to keep making puns with Kim Jong-Un’s name until he Kim Jong-Understands how much of a cock he’s being.
We Mixed it With:
A canister of whippits, a few paint chips and a house arrest ankle monitor.