This week, US News released their National University Rankings. While UNC typically receives a coveted spot among the top 10 spots of universities in the world, US News has decided that UNC isn’t even in the top 25 anymore, coming in at 30th, behind both Duke and Wake Forest.
“Honestly, we dropped UNC because they just won the National Championship in basketball,” explained Paul Forest, the directorial editor for the national rankings. “You don’t get to have an academic scandal, play for a national championship 2 years in a row and still be ranked a top 10 university.”
US News, Time Magazine, Princeton Review, and Forbes release these reports ranking colleges and universities, but nobody knows on what grounds these reports are built.
“I get the UNC is the country’s first public university but if we’re being honest, that is old news,” said Anna Martin, rankings officer for Time Magazine. “Let’s just say, if you wanna find yourself outside the top 25, an academic scandal is a real slam dunk.”
“I’m so glad to see us ranked above those Tar Holes,” said Duke Chancellor Sean P. Frost. “But it’s not like we really consider them rivals, so it doesn’t really matter. Grayson, wash my back for me.”
Staff and students at UNC have not been taking the news well.
“Crap, we might lose all of those sweet, sweet out-of-state and international dollars. I mean—students. Yeah, students!” sobbed UNC Chancellor Carol V. Banks.
“US News doesn’t think we’re a top 10 school anymore?” Shouted UNC chemistry professor Dr. Hein Carbon. “I’d like to see them take one of my exams and then say that.”
The ranking is a low blow for UNC Chapel Hill, but we can find comfort in the fact that we still have more championships than Grayson Allen can trip his way to.