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UNC Student Ostracized By Community For “Not Caring About Basketball”

At UNC, students everywhere are getting ready for the next UNC basketball game. Tar Heels are warming their voices up to scream “LUUUUKE!”, picking out which Carolina Blue items to wear to the game, and practicing running up and down Franklin Street.

Except for Sam Jones.

The first-year claims he doesn’t really care about basketball.

“I didn’t watch it before coming to UNC, and I haven’t really kept up with it here either,” Jones notes. “It’s great if we win, but I don’t really care that much. Table tennis though, that’s something that should get way more coverage! Why don’t we have an actual table tennis team?”

Sam has not tried to figure out how the UNC lottery system works, he doesn’t stalk the UNC Men’s basketball team, and he claims to not know where the Dean Dome is.

Because of his extreme apathy about basketball, Sam has been ostracized by many of his former friends.

“Sam was a cool guy,” says former friend Kelsey Shaw, a sophomore. “That is, until I asked if he wanted to come watch the game with me, and he said he didn’t even known UNC was playing that day, and that he had plans to play table tennis that he refused to cancel. I just couldn’t hang out with him after that.”

Mike Simpson, a fellow first-year, remembers the day he stopped talking to Sam like it was yesterday. Coincidentally, it was.

“Sam said there was a cool guy named Luke in one of his business classes. I joked that it might be Luke Maye. Sam just stared blankly at me and said, ‘Who’s that?’ I thought he was joking. He wasn’t.”

In his short time as a Tar Heel, Sam has been kicked out of every organization he’s tried to join.

“I joined a fraternity last semester, and they kicked me out when I didn’t watch the first game of the season with them. I’ve been banned from the Pit, the Student Union, and the Top of Lenoir for not showing enough enthusiasm around the basketball team. But nothing has made my heart feel like a ping pong ball like when I got kicked out of my intramural table tennis team! I just don’t get it. Even hardcore table tennis fans at UNC still prioritize the basketball team!”

Currently, Sam Jones has withdrawn to his dorm room. The only class he goes to is his LFIT, racquet sports. It’s the closest he can get to UNC-sanctioned table tennis.

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