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UNC Survives Massive Academic Scandal, Not 1,600 Person School

Though able to defeat the largest collegiate academic scandals in American history, UNC was unable to defeat a team called Wofford on Wednesday night.

Wofford, most likely named by a guy who heard a dog bark, seemed to throw UNC in a dizzy even before the game started, foregoing warm-ups to instead sit on the bench and conduct a Socratic seminar on the role of higher education in the modern economic climate.

The move seemed to baffle some UNC players “who seemed to have never stepped foot inside a college classroom,” a source said.  

“Our boys were stretching, getting loose in front of our home crowd, and one of Wofford’s guys was weighing the pros and cons of student loan debt to the rest of his teammates,” Williams said in a post-game press conference. “My guys were confused at being exposed to something not related to basketball, and it showed in our performance tonight.” 

Wofford players said implementing a new strategy on the court helped in their win against the No. 5 Tar Heels.

“Coach [Mike Young] told us to try to intimidate our opponent tonight,” said Wofford junior guard, Fletcher Magee, who convinced the country that’s his real name. “So anytime a UNC player had the ball, we would get right up in their face and mumble something we learned in class during the week. They acted like they were in the classroom and just gave up right on the spot.”

Since UNC was absolved of any academic infractions in October, players have been free to “come up with whatever courses they like,” said an academic advisor at UNC. Popular courses among the team include, “Playing 2k18 in Joel’s Room,” as well as “Lacing Up High Tops 101.”

Yet, Williams believes that the classroom isn’t to blame for the Tar Heels’ loss on Wednesday.  

“With a national championship last year, I was able to look past the years of staff and players who were functionally illiterate,” said UNC head coach, Roy Williams. “Boy, it was a goddamn tragedy when our guys couldn’t get past the first chapter of Huckleberry Finn, but you know what else is a tragedy?  Our inability to switch from a zone defense to isolation. That’s the real tragedy here at UNC tonight.”

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