4 Non-Academic Reasons You Won’t Graduate From NAU

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Another year, another group of NAU grads ready to take the stage and receive their long awaited diplomas. Many of which, will never get them a job that pays more than $8.50 anyway. However, while some will be out job hunting, others will be explaining to their parents why they didn’t get a commencement invite this year, and we’re not talking about bad grades.

4.) You Spent All of Your Time in Phoenix:

It’s understandable, Flagstaff is a shitty, little shit town with nothing to do besides play Weed or Skunk http://theblacksheeponline.com/northern-arizona/5-unwritten-rules-nau ). We understand, the more time you spend in Phoenix the tanner you get, the more numbers you acquire, the more you feel like you’re actually doing something with your life. But before you know it, it’s the beginning of May and you have a grand total of six credits completed. Nice.

3.) You’ve Gained too Much Weight to Walk the Stage:

The freshman 15 became your college 50, and the days of Momma’s home cooked meals are far, far behind you. The years of spicy Chick-Fil-A sandwiches and Mocha Frapps have finally caught up to you and stage won’t be able to support you. Don’t be too sad though, its 2017 which means you can sue for basically anything.

2.) You Talked Way too Much Shit About Rita Cheng:

You never thought all those crass jokes would catch up to you did you? There are cameras and undercover lizard-people everywhere friends; they’re always watching you. You can never escape the overbearing eyes of our reptilian antichrist. So now, as punishment, Rita will keep you here forever. She will never cancel classes, you’ll be forced to endure the snow, the construction, and living in an inner tube you found on Historic Route 66.

1.) Your Flannel Isn’t Plaid Enough:

There are many unwritten requirements for graduating from NAU besides just passing your core classes. You also must own at least 175 flannel shirts in every conceivable color. The plaid must also reach the standards set by the NPA, National Plaid Association, which oversees all plaid based activities in the United States, Puerto Rico and Guam. These can be reviewed at: www.PlaidOrGTFO.org. Not only have you disgraced your fellow Lumberjacks, but you also will not be receiving a diploma this year.

Graduating college is a milestone is so many people’s lives, one that can propel you into the world of adulthood. But, if you don’t pay your past-due parking tickets or your flannel collection isn’t up to par, think again.

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