4 Ways to Distract Rita During Her Commencement Speech

author-pic at Northern Arizona  

Graduation can be a magical time for any student. You’re finally giving up the monotony of school life for the depressing life of a real adult human. Cute! However, there is one “thing” about graduation none of us can get behind, and it’s Rita Cheng talking and spitting for two hours during commencement. So here are a few ways to pass the time while listening to Rita babble:

4.) Guide a Tour Group Across the Stage:

Tour groups have been rampaging across campus these past few months. As the weather gets warmer, the hell that is high schoolers ogling at every little thing is on the rise. So why not repay our favorite president by hosting an oversized tour group? They’ll get to see what graduation looks like, since many of them won’t actually make it theirs, and we don’t have to listen to Rita talk; it’s a win-win.

3.) Bring the Crazy Union Preacher as Your Plus One:

Last week, NAU became the host of a new “high and mighty” old man looking to better the world by screaming at everyone who looks at him. Since no one was able to explain to him that he isn’t God’s greatest gift to mankind, instead of having him preach at all of us, let’s show him the real monster on campus. Releasing this man onto Rita Cheng mid-speech will be great entertainment for everyone attending, just be sure to tell him she thinks the Bible is a fairy tale beforehand.

2.) Break Out the Noisemakers:

When in doubt, look to the classics. You really can’t go wrong with noisemakers. Have fun and alternate among your friends; bonus points if you can recite NAUs fight song. Fuck with her head; make her lose her place, or just go all out until she runs off stage clutching her ears and screeching with her tail between her legs.

1.) Release Her Offspring:

If you wanna go out with a bang then go for Rita’s biggest weakness; her progeny. After being outted as a lizard-human hybrid earlier this year, students have recently been speculating that she has spawned some hatchlings. If any of you brave souls are willing to track them down, collect as many as you can, and then right as she is about to speak, release them onto the field before her very eyes.

Whatever you decide, enjoy your last few days while they last. Allow yourself a few minutes of glory, and then feel free to get shitfaced at the bars afterward to celebrate your freedom. Unless of course you were dumb enough to go to grad school, then you’ll have to wait another few years for this to become relevant again.

Listen to our podcast!