5 Alternate NAU Realities That Are Better Than This One

author-pic at Northern Arizona  

One of the best things about science fiction is that it eventually, with the advancement of science itself, a lot of it will come true. Look at the original Star Trek, where things like holograms, phaser guns and interracial relationships were all thought to be just make believe. Well, hopefully one day we here at NAU will be able to jump into the nearest wormhole and experience one of these realities that is much better than our own.

5.) A reality where NAU Athletics are actually commendable:
When it comes to most NAU competitive sports, we lack far behind our STD infected counterparts. It’s sad that even with the added benefit of elevation we still fall for people those who chew cigarettes in 110-degree heat. Even a reality where we can at least compete would be enough for most. Beating the likes of ASU would set a fire in our hearts that would burn hotter and longer than any infection they have in their pants.

4.) A reality where Rita Cheng cares about her students and faculty:
One of the most important aspects of alternate reality theory is constants and variables. Every conceivable reality (or even inconceivable) is related the next one is some way. There is always a constant (something that is the same) and a variable (something that is different). How do we know this? Well we learned it last January when we were forced to go to class in a fucking blizzard. Sure, we slipped and cracked a few ribs which lead to a punctured lung that got infected with Pneumonia that caused our respiratory system to fail completely. But hey, we learned a thing.

3.) A reality where CCC students learned when to fuck off:
Now look, we’re sure all of our moms said that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it all. But mom went to school in the 70’s when you could pay for college with a summer job and bit of stripping on the side. Nobody likes a mooch and nobody likes to be constantly reminded that they could gotten the same basic education for a fraction of the cost. LET US SPEND OUR $10,000 A SEMESTER IN PEACE GODDAMMIT.

2.) A reality where NAU students have a fashion pulse:
We’re not here to be petty and mock NAU students about their growing lack of shits given in regards to their wardrobes. But we’re gonna anyway. How much plaid is too much plaid? This is a question that the average NAU sophomore male cannot even comprehend. While the question that NAU females need to ask themselves is: “Is wearing Birkenstocks more torturous to my feet or to the people around my feet?” Until we travel to another world, we may never know.

1.) A reality where we can all park on campus:
What is this? Could it be true? No, a reality like this must be too good to be true. Even in the aforementioned reality with a kind Rita Cheng reality, free parking is too good. How would they even do it? Stop letting in 50,000 students a year? Actually, give students adequate academic advising so that they graduate in 4 years? No, no that’s preposterous. Let’s just charge $500 a year for a parking pass that you can only use on one lot during certain delegated times of the week. Makes sense.

When you think about it, we might not even be that far alternate realities being, well… reality. Star Trek was only around 50 years ago and nobody could have imagined that stuff being real in their lifetime. So, let’s hold tight and maybe one day we’ll all be able to leave this depressing reality for one where Freddie Mercury is president and crocodiles twerk the night away.

Need something to do while dreaming of an alternate reality? Try out our podcast!